TPG Week 108: Think It Through
Welcome once again to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a continuation from a script that was posted a little while ago by Brave One Sam Roads. We’ve got Steve Colle rocking the blue, me in red, and Sam continuing the tale of
Saturn’s Well
NOTE: This script is the last four of eight pages that were submitted and commented on back on November 30th, 2012 in TPG 101. You can read the first four pages that were edited here at https://www.comixtribe.com/2012/11/30/tpg-week-101-just-a-little-guidance/
Page 5
Seven panels.
Panel 1. Mid-day. Establishing shot of a small two storey office. Cars parked outside. A couple of big satellite dishes on the roof. A sign shows the name: “Woodham Mail incorporating the Potteridge Echo” but clearly at one time the sign just said “Woodham Echo”, and the additional text has been added cheaply. Below this is another big sign saying “Tomorrow’s news today!”. (How is the reader supposed to tell this was added cheaply? What does that even mean?)
SIGN 1
Woodham mail incorporating the potteridge echo
sign 2
Tomorrow’s news today!(See these two lines? Redundant, because you have the information in the panel description.)
Panel 2 Altered. Wide. This is Rachel’s daydream. Rachel and Interviewer are sat at a TV studio desk, with White House photo backdrop, lights, cameras. She is in a shoulder padded suit, with big, curly locks of hair and heavy TV make-up. Interviewer is a white male in a conservative suit, with greying short hair. (You’ve placed them, but what are they doing?)
INTERVIEWER
RACHEL MANN, it’s a privilege to have such a legendary media figure in the studio tonight!
INTERVIEWER
Political editor at the bbc. (Ellipsis here. Also, BBC should be in caps.)
INTERVIEWER
International JOURNALIST OF THE YEAR. (Ellipsis here)
INTERVIEWER
(Ellipsis to connect) and now, a few hours AFTER YOUR (Don’t use caps for your ) exclusiveINTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT, WE’re (Either capitalize the entire WE’RE or put it all in lower case) getting reports that HE’S RESIGNED!
INTERVIEWER
WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU ASK HIM?
(Here’s where I noticed that you’re using both caps and lower case for your dialogue during this dream sequence, but once you get back to the here and now, it’s all caps. Why? Always maintain the same consistency across the board. From what I read from your previous entry of this story to TPG, it was all caps, so keep it as such. This should also apply to your signage that you speak of.)
Panel 3 Wide. Evening. This panel is parallel to panel 2, but shows the reality of Rachel’s situation. A local newspaper office desk. She’s sat in the same pose, but everything is tawdry, small, cheap. The desk has a laptop on it, a mobile phone, and loads of papers, pens, sweet wrappers. She has an officious name placard on the table: RACHEL MANN. There is a calendar on the wall beside her, with two stick-it notes on it. Behind her the window looks out onto a nasty industrial back yard. On the hill in the distance is the Holt family’s tower block, surrounded by three identical tower blocks. Rachel looks at the phone in annoyance.(Not really the best use of a back to reality cut. They aren’t close enough. Her look and her position may have changed from panel to panel. In order to make a strong change, then her position should remain the same. Also, is this an office, or a cubicle? There’s a difference, and the artist needs to know. Camera placement is going to be all-important here.)
SFX:
A GA DOO DOO DOO PUSH PINEAPPLE SHAKE THE TREE.
 (Surrounded by music symbols)
Panel 4 Close on Rachel, 3/4 angle, looking to the right, phone to her ear, bored. Panel 4 and 5 are facing.
RACHEL
WOODHAM MAIL INCOPORATING POTTERIDGE ECHO. TODAY’S NEWS TOMORROW!
(You say in the panel description that she’s bored, but it isn’t reflected in how she’s answering the phone. You could say that visually, she’s feigning exuberance, which would lead to the bolding or accentuation of the words TODAY’S and TOMORROW. I’d go more for the boredom factor, though, as it’s a complete 180 from her dream to her actual situation. Now here’s the problem with having both this and the next bit of dialogue, of her trying to correct her mistake, in the same panel: The visual is going to reflect only one of the two facial expressions, one of boredom and the other of panic as she realizes her faux pas. In other words, you need to have it in either two separate panels OR take out the next line of dialogue as if she didn’t realize and doesn’t care about her error in her boredom and dislike for her job.)
RACHEL
ERR… I MEAN —
Panel 5 Close on Sharma, 3/4 angle, looking to the left, phone to her ear, excited. Phoebe is beside her, nestled in close, her ear as near as possible to the receiver. (Here’s something I’d like to explain to the readers of this column: In the original script, the character of PHOEBE was then known as ELLIE. Sam changed her name in the rewrite.)
SHARMA
— I’D LIKE TO NOMINATE MY PAL, PHOEBE HOLT, FOR YOUR LOCAL HERO PRIZE. (I know it’s like rushed dialogue by using the double dash, but unless you’re going to end the dialogue with an exclamation mark due to Sharma’s impatience and excitement, there’s no reason for it. You decide one way or the other.)
SHARMA
HER DAD WON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR PHYSICS BACK IN THE SIXTIES, BUT HE’S VERY POORLY RIGHT NOW. SHE LOOKS AFTER HIM NIGHT AND DAY.
Panel 6 Medium. Rachel glances up at the calendar on the wall beside her. It has only two appointments, shown with stick-it notes: “Hair” and “Dentist”.
RACHEL
THAT’S SUPER, YA. Hmm.
RACHEL
OH, LUCKY FOR YOU, OUR TOP REPORTER, RACHEL MANN, JUST CALLED TO SAY SHE’S HAD AN INTERVIEW CANCELLED.
(It’s obvious through your dialogue here that Sharma doesn’t know that she’s actually talking to Rachel Mann. The reader, however, may get confused. If you had pulled back the camera to show that she’s the only one in the office, that no one else is there to pretend to be the secretary, this would have more strength. Also, the reader doesn’t know if Sharma is going to be in the room when Rachel actually shows up, to which Sharma may say Aren’t you the one I spoke to –? Make it easy for the reader to put two and two together.)
RACHEL
SHE CAN DROP BY TOMORROW MORNING.
Panel 7 Medium on the women in the dining room, with Sharma’s hand over the receiver as she ‘asides’ to Phoebe. Phoebe gives her a thumbs up. (I’d love to know what their facial expressions are. Serious? Excited? A thumbs up is good, but give us something that is even more indicative of their resulting feelings towards the call.)
SHARMA
THAT PRIZE IS AS GOOD AS WON, BABE!
We have one page done! Let’s take a look at it.
So, this is P5, but really P1.
Since this is P5, we don’t have to worry about being pulled into the story immediately. What we do have to worry about, though, is making sure it makes sense.
I’m not seeing the Jane Austen here.
Here’s the problem with differing points of view in a single story: you can easily lose track of who’s story this is supposed to be. The first excerpt was fine, because you only had to deal with two different POV’s, and the last one was a great place to leave the story (which was a great call by Steve). By continuing in the same vein, though, the story and the impact is being diluted. It’s being carried too far.
Personally, I think it should be played straight from here on in. By continually playing with the perceptions of the characters, you’re going to lose the readers. In a nutshell: cut it out.
Now, here’s where Sam falls down a bit: his characters aren’t acting. They’re placed, but sometimes aren’t doing anything, and if they are doing something, there’s no emotional content to go along with it. That’s leaving things up to the artist to figure out. Now, some artists may like this, but I’m of the mind that you should at least give an inkling of what you’re seeing in your head, and let the artist make a decision from there. At least they’ll have the information to make an informed decision instead of just guessing. You’re forcing them to guess here.
Then there’s the lack of real information for the artist to draw from. That’s a problem. Look back at panel 3. Where’s the camera? What can it see? You’re asking to go wide, but there’s a calendar on a wall beside her. Cubicle or actual office wall? If it’s an actual office wall, it’s going to be a small office because the wall is close to the desk. That means the camera angle is wrong, because you can’t go all that wide on a small office. If it’s a cubicle, what can be seen on the other side of it? You went wide, so something else has to be seen.
Think it through, Sam.
Page 6
Seven Panels. Panels 2-6 are canted and overlapping, like a pile of photographs. The two are drinking their teas throughout, and the table gradually accrues plates, crumbs, biscuit packets and so forth. Panel 1 and 7 are reality and should be straight and not overlapping. (You’re pretty thorough in your panel descriptions, so I’d go insofar as to say that the first and seventh panels are wide panels framing the second to sixth within the center area of the page. By the way, I like the idea of the photograph design to the frame effects. Just ensure that that isn’t what’s being used for your other past tense and dream sequence effects in the story.)
Panel 1. Close. Phoebe and Sharma facing each other in profile, white b/g. Phoebe has raised one eyebrow. Sharma has half a grin.
Sharma and phoebe
ten grand! (Here’s where I’d put something like IMAGINE TEN GRAND instead of what you’ve got written, as it would lead more effectively into a dream sequence.)
(You have the character names above and the text here all in lower case. I know you were excited to send it in, man, but you really need to proofread before doing so )
Panel 2 Altered. Medium. Phoebe and Sharma sit in the living room. It has had a makeover, with shiny and new modern furniture, a paint job, extra hangings, a couple of pictures. The two look around astonished, happy.
Panel 3 Altered. (The room is still made-over.) F/g the two women’s heads, as they give little cheers, raising both fists. B/g a hunky man wearing only a maid’s apron is dusting, grinning cheekily at them.
Panel 4 Altered. Over Phoebe’s shoulder. Medium. (The room is still made over, but the male maid is not here). The two are sitting with their legs, extended, held a foot off the floor, wearing posh, sexy, sparkly high heels. The rest of their clothing is unchanged. They look at each other, delighted, mouths open, eyes wide.
Panel 5 Altered. Over Sharma’s shoulder. Medium. (The room is made over). Phoebe is massively made-over, with big hair, make-up, a slinky dress and a boob job. She still has the sexy shoes from panel 4. She is acting a Diva, her hands covering her boobs, mouth wide in fake surprise. Sharma is howling with laughter.
Panel 6 Altered. Wide. The walls and roof of the room are missing, and the room is magically sited in the Egyptian desert, next to The Pyramids and The Sphinx. Several people in robes, with camels, pass in the background. It is bright daylight, with a blue sky and hot sun. The two women remain at their table, both are grinning with satisfaction. Sunglasses and big touristy hats. (No male maid, no shoes, no Panel 5 makeover)
Panel 7 Like Page 2, Panel 6, but quite a bit closer in. Night. Wide. The outside of the block of flats, looking in. Phoebe can be seen through the window. She is through the door from the living room into the flat’s reception, stood at the door, waving goodbye to Sharma. Through the window to the left, which looks into the interior hall, Sharma is walking away. Both are yawning.
P2 down, and really, it’s meh.
Again, I’m forced to ask whose story this is, because you’re hopping all around. I’m quickly growing not to care, and that’s not good.
What is this page doing except showing a dream sequence of what they’re going to do with the money? (And if it’s only ten grand, I’m not seeing a house makeover, a male made, a shopping spree, plastic surgery, and a trip to Africa. I mean, there are dreams, and then there are fantasies. I would think that these women know how far money can take them. This almost seems like a child’s fantasy.)
No, I’m not enamored of this page.
Since it’s really P6 and there’s no page-turn involved, we can just slide our eyes over. I do think there’s a wasted opportunity here, though. More could have been done in order to move the story forward instead of nearly stalling it.
Another thing that’s telling: nowhere in any of the fantasy is there an image of her father. I get that she’s been taking care of him for years and she should be doing something for herself, but it’s very telling that he doesn’t appear ANYWHERE within the fantasy. Reminds me of a Digital Underground song, Whats Up With The Love.
Page 7
Seven Panels
Panel 1 Like Page 6, Panel 1. Morning. Wide. Looking through the window at the dining room table. (You’re referring to a completely different shot, as the one on Page 6 Panel 1 is Close. Phoebe and Sharma facing each other in profile, white b/g. Phoebe has raised one eyebrow. Sharma has half a grin. Which one did you mean? That’s the disadvantage of referring back to a previous image. Sometimes it’s easier to simply explain it all over again.) Sunshine comes in at an early morning angle. The table has a breakfast bowl and carton of milk. Phoebe is collapsed over it, having falling asleep in the middle of eating some cereal. Seen through the window to the left, in the interior hall, are Rachel and Clicks, talking.
Panel 2 Wide. Zoom in on the above panel’s left window. The interior corridor of the block of flats, outside the dreary flat door. Rachel faces Clicks and lectures him, wagging a finger and looking bossy. He looks world-weary. (Wide and zooming in? That’s called an extreme close-up. You can’t have it both ways. You know better than this, Sam. Actually, after reading the dialogue and seeing where it needs to take place, I have no idea what this panel description is supposed to describe. I’m not from the UK. Do you have windows that actually look outside to a corridor? Can we tell there’s a drab front door from this view? No. Rewrite this so that it is Jane Austen. [Yes, I’m liking the new term.])
RACHEL
OKAY, CLICKS, LIKE SERIOUSLY NOW, YA?
Rachel (This should be in caps)
LOTS, AND I MEAN LOTS OF FAB SNAPS OF THIS OLD SCIENCE GEEZER, AS LONG AS I’M IN (THE) SHOT.
RACHEL (Fake aside)
I’M HOPING THIS PHOEBE LOOKS HEROICALLY WORN OUT, SO WE CAN GET SOME REALLY GREAT SHOTS OF ME LOOKING GOOD NEXT TO HER, YA?
Panel 3 Medium. Over Rachel and Clicks’ shoulders, looking through the door to Prof’s flat. He has opened it and stands in the doorway. He’s still in the shirt & dressing gown. He looks friendly and slightly confused. In the background we catch sight of Phoebe sleeping over the dining table. (Crowded. In order to be over the shoulder of Rachel and Clicks and still be in the corridor, the camera has to be just behind them and in the middle. That’s important. The camera has to split the two of them. Now usually, if someone opens a door and they’re standing in it, they’re blocking whatever could be in view behind them. This means that Phoebe is occluded by the professor, especially since the camera is in the middle of the panel. If he wasn’t blocking her, that means that the door would be wide open and that he would be standing to one side. Not bloody likely, now is it? It was fine, until you got to Phoebe.)
RACHEL
HIYA! RACHEL MANN. I’M FROM THE PAPER. (What paper?)
RACHEL
LOOKING FOR PHOEBE HOLT?
PROF
I DON’T KNOW A PHOEBE HOLT. IT’S JUST ME AND MY WIFE, GRACE (Missing comma) HERE.
Panel 4 Medium, profile. Rachel on the left, looking skeptical. Prof, enthused.
RACHEL
REALLY, YA? ARE YOU, LIKE, A NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING ASTROLOGER?
PROF
NOBEL? THAT’LL BE THE DAY! BUT MAYBE…
PROF
YOU SEE, I’VE JUST CRACKED THE EQUATIONS GOVERNING SATURN’S GRAVITY WELL, WITH IMPLICATIONS FOR —
Panel 5 Close on Rachel, looking really bored.
RACHEL
— YES, YES. WE’RE LOOKING FOR A HERO, YA?
RACHEL
IT’S A TEN THOUSAND POUND PRIZE FOR WHOEVER WE NAME AS LOCAL HERO!
Panel 6 Medium, Prof’s POV looking at Rachel and Clicks. Behind them are the other doors of the flats opposite. Prof’s hand extends, pointing along the corridor. Rachel is turning to go, whilst Clicks pays the Prof kind attention, smiling.
PROF
WELL, THE MAN IN NUMBER 205 RESCUED MRS. SINGH’S CAT FROM THE WINDOW LEDGE.
RACHEL
LET’S GO!
CLICKS
THANK YOU, SIR.
Panel 7 Wide. Rachel and Clicks are in front of another door on the other side of the interior hall, number 205. Rachel turns to speak to Clicks.
RACHEL
DULLSVILLE! Oh (Caps, please) EM GEE!
CLICKS
HE SEEMED NICE ENOUGH. I THOUGHT I SAW HIS DAUGHTER ASLEEP ON —
RACHEL
— CLICKS! YOU GOTTA LEARN WHEN TO MOVE ON. NO STORY THERE.
RACHEL
NOW, LET’S CHECK OUT CATMAN!
Except for the crowding, this is a decent page. I’m liking the setup for the heartache here. The only thing that doesn’t work is the impossible thing you tried to do in showing everyone in the panel. That then reflects on the dialogue of the last panel. It’s the crux of the story, but you’ve made it impossible to get to, because the important panel is impossible to draw.
If you fix that one panel, then you can have everything else.
Page 8
Seven Panels.
Panel 1 Wide. Rainy, day. The outside of the block of flats. Little detail can be seen through the downpour. (Finally, a good use of a wide angle. I’m just hoping that this isn’t a wasted panel.)
Panel 2 The dining room interior, from the kitchen. The back wall now has a picture hanging in the middle of it (obscuring the painted over equation), Saturn, ringed and looking lovely. Sharma sits in her usual chair. Her hair is different and she is in a raincoat, which is wet and dripping slightly. She waves the paper in the air and looks excited. The light is grey, ‘cos it is raining. Phoebe is making the tea, dressed in a Muppet type T-shirt. (Um…who the hell sits down in a chair wearing a dripping raincoat? If that’s tradition in the UK, you guys are never welcome to my house on rainy days…)
SHARMA
SO… TODAY’S THE DAY THEY ANNOUNCE THE WINNER!
PHOEBE
WHAT?
SHARMA
CHRIST, YOU ARE DOZY. THE LOCAL HERO PRIZE? I BROUGHT THE PAPER!
PHOEBE
OH, THAT? SORRY, SHAR, THEY NEVER SHOWED.
Panel 3 Medium, Sharma’s POV. The paper is in front of her, Phoebe has sat down beside her and is craning her head to read. Their mugs of tea are on the table. Their speech balloons should be below the paper. (Crowded again. You have the paper, their heads, word balloons, and mugs of tea in this panel, which is only one of seven. It isn’t going to work. Which element(s) would you lose, Yannick?)
Headline: STEVE WILLIAMS CAT-CHES A BREAK! (Bullshit. Someone tell me why this is contrived nonsense. I’m talking about this panel and the one before it. It’s open to the floor.)
Copy: Father of three Steve CHEQUES out our Local Hero award and £10,000, presented by late night TV and pantomime favourite, Sami Sahara!(Comma-fail after three.)
Photo: A white, thirties, overweight, short haired man accepting a huge cheque from a young asian man with outrageous spiked hair and an idiotic grin. Both are giving a thumbs up. (They’re naked!)
SHARMA
EH? BUT I GAVE THEM YOUR ADDRESS AND EVERYTHING.
PHOEBE
DAD, LOVE? DID YOU TALK TO SOMEONE FROM THE PAPERS?(This line doesn’t belong here. And if it was a contest, it must have been a really crappy one, if a guy who rescued a cat is the winner. All credibility is lost. This should have been cut at the first Steve-stoppage. It made for a much better story.)
Panel 4 Medium on Prof, who is entering the dining room from the hall. He looks content.
PROF
A FEW DAYS AGO (Missing comma) A WOMAN FROM THE NOBEL COMMITTEE CAME ROUND. (This should read ‘ROUND, as it’s slang for AROUND.)
(Would he remember a few days ago in his condition?)
PROF
SHE ASKED A LOT OF QUESTIONS. SEEMED TO CONFUSE YOU AND GRACE FOR SOME REASON. (This line is confusing for me, as it seems like he has his mind fully aware, even though he’s referring back to the whole Nobel Prize situation and the reference to Grace. Also, wouldn’t he be calling Grace your mother when making the comparison? This is what you had written in the first version we read through: THERE WAS A WOMAN FROM THE NOBEL COMMITTEE. SHE ASKED A LOT OF QUESTIONS. This was probably your best bet as it’s clear and concise. You’ve added words since then and they are complicating matters.)
PROF
SHE WENT AWAY HAPPY AFTER I TOLD HER ABOUT WHATSISNAME WHO RESCUED MRS. SINGH’S KITTEN.
Panel 5 Close on the women. Phoebe looks at Prof, disbelieving. Sharma screws her eyes up (This is an interesting description, but what exactly does it mean?!) in disbelief.
PHOEBE
OH, DAD.
Panel 6 Medium on Phoebe and Sharma, from Prof’s view. Sharma’s head is bowed. Phoebe looks up at us, eyes wet with tears, lip trembling.
SHARMA (WHISPERED)
oh, phoe. (You should still write this as CAPS, because you have the lettering guidance of whisper .)
Panel 7 Wide. View from outside the flats, looking in through the window. Sharma remains at her seat, head down, defeated. Phoebe has stood and is guiding Prof out of the room again.
PHOEBE
BLESS YOU, DAD. COME ON, LET’S GET YOU A NICE CUP OF TEA.
PHOEBE
THE SKY AT NIGHT WILL BE ON SOON.
Well, I’ve made the comment already, but I’ll say it again: This should have been proofread before being submitted, Sam. A lot of what I said had to do with that fact. I still very much liked the last part of your story. Sure, there are areas that need consideration and a rewrite, but all scripts that pass through our hands do to some extent. Now that we’ve read the entire story of Saturn’s Well over two submissions, I’m particularly looking forward to what you bring to the table next time. If you can maintain this type of characterization, this type of feeling for and from your characters, you’ve got the makings for some very powerful stories. Good on you.
Let’s run it down.
Format: Flawless victory!
Panel Descriptions: Need work. They need to be thought through better. You have panels here that are just mind-boggling and impossible to draw. Jane Austen did not make herself apparent. Not good. You buried yourself with the crucial panel of the story. If you had described that better, your story wouldn’t have fallen down right there. You were so close, too.
Pacing: Not bad. Not great, but not bad. For 8 pages, I think you had only the slightest amount of fat here. We’ll call it a hint of elderberries.
I also think you went to the well (if you’ll forgive the expression) one too many times with the altered mindstates. I’m talking about the reporter. That was some fat that could have been trimmed. If you cut that panel, would it have affected the story any? Not one whit. Did it add anything to the story? Nope. Just upped your panel count.
You were also asking for a lot of panels per page here. I think that if you had stopped to think it through a little better, you wouldn’t have had as many seven-panel pages. It was like you tried to stuff as much in as you could to make the story dense. Just remember that not everything added is always of quality. While some fat is good and necessary in ground beef, filler is not. You’ll soon learn the difference.
Dialogue: Spelling and punctuation aside, I liked it! Everyone had their own voice. The reporter was very unlikeable. Good job there! Everyone was generally clear in their duties and roles. You just got a little sloppy at the end there with the professor. Steve already pointed that out, so I won’t beat you over the head with it here. The dialogue did its job. Nice work.
Content: Again, I feel that this part of the story was unnecessary. If it were left at the first part, then readers could make up their own mind, with most coming away feeling good about the story.
However, this is something of a tragedy. I get that. The previous Steve-stoppage would have ended it on a decidedly upbeat note, which isn’t what you were going for. It’s where I think you should have stopped, but it wasn’t what you wanted.
As a reader, I’m not one for downers. Hamlet, the perennial downer, is only great because of exceptionally great writing. (Come on. No writer is more quoted than the Bard.) However, for all of that, I’m not big on the ending of Hamlet. This, I daresay, is more heartbreaking than that, because you distill it down and tell the story much faster than Shakespeare did.
Does that mean it’s wrong? Nope. Personal preference. Steve liked it. I didn’t like it, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t a good story. There are elements that were unnecessary and that could have been told better, but that doesn’t make it a bad story. Actually, as a reader, it is very effective in its affectiveness. (How’s that for wordplay! HA!) It just isn’t my personal preference of type of story to read.
Editorially, it just needs to be straightened out some. There are places where you lose your way, and you shouldn’t have. You’ve been doing this too long to have some of the mistakes in here that you do. Your basic problem is that you didn’t think it all the way through. Slow down, think it through, and you’ll see a marked improvement.
And that’s all for this week. Check the calendar to see who’s next!
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