TPG Week 153: A Pretty Good Story
Hello, one and all! Welcome back to another installment of The Proving Grounds! Hopefully, you’ve all had a great Thanksgiving. Me? I was at work. But that’s neither here nor there. We have Brave One Frank Martin for this week’s entry. While I know you were looking for Sam LeBas this week, but unfortunately, it’s just going to be Frank and I. So, let’s see how Franks treats an
Autumn Twilight (5 pages)
Page 1 (5 panels)
Panel 1
Its the middle of a late autumn day. We start with a high establishing shot of a small, traditional log cabin in the middle of a hilly wooded area, the American frontier. Just on the cusp of winter, the majority of the trees’ leaves have already fallen and the few that remain on their branches glitter the scene with a wide variety a reds and oranges. The house rests at the peak of a hill, and a small stream can be seen flowing in the background at the bottom.
SON/CAPTION BUBBLE (The word bubble isn’t needed. Actually, it’s wrong, in the context of a caption.)
Hey, ma. I’m goin’ to throw another log under the pot. (Basically, what we have here is a voice-over caption to begin this scene. Since it’s a voice-over, it’s missing quotation marks, letting the reader know this isn’t an internal monologue. Unless they’re telepathic. Are they telepathic, Frank? I don’t think so.)
MOTHER/CAPTION BUBBLE
Just hurry back inside. The chill’s comin’ through. (And again, missing quotation marks.)
Panel 2
A shot looking directly at the front of the cabin as the thirteen year old SON walks out the door. Ready for the winter, the boy is dressed like a typical frontiersmen with buckskin jacket and pants.
NO DIALOGUE (Another way to say this is no copy. )
Panel 3
A head on shot of the boy as he reaches down and grabs with one head an already chopped log from a stack. In his other arm he is clutching several of the copped logs to his chest, and behind him we can see an outdoor cooking station. The station consists of a large black pot hanging from several makeshift tree branches above a burning fire pit. (Spelling, Frank. Spelling is killing you. Head, copped… Real words, but you have to pay a little more attention. Don’t rely on the spell check to do all the work.)
NO DIALOGUE
Panel 4
A side shot of the boy, now crouching in front of the pot as he throws a log on the fire. In the background, the silhouette of a DRIFTER can be seen approaching him through the trees.
NO DIALOGUE
Panel 5
Same camera position/angle as the previous panel, except now the boy’s head is turned and looking at the drifter as he stands leaning on a tree before the boy. The drifter, smiling deviously, looks like the epitome of a wandering degenerate from the wild west. His clothes are tattered, his hair is wild and his slightly smirking face is covered in dirt and grime.
DRIFTER
Hiya, kiddo. Watcha cookin’?
P1 is on the books!
This is a pretty decent setup. I have no complaints with it at all. The only real complaint I have is with the reliance on the spell checker.
I understand about getting in the heat of the moment, and some things just get spelled wrong. I am not an extremely fast typist. I can get up to about 60wpm if I’m on a hot streak, and that’s about my limit. If you type faster than that, good on ya. Just know that your brain/fingers are letting you down because you’re letting some spelling mistakes creep in. Normally, spelling mistakes aren’t that bad, but when they interfere with the understanding of the panel descriptions, something has to be said.
That’s all. That’s my only real complaint on this page.
Page 2 (4 panels) (Page break.)
Panel 1
A shot of the front of the cabin as the MOTHER walks through the front door. She is wearing a casual dress from the time period with a dirty cooking apron. Her head is looking down as she is busy wiping off her hands with the apron as she walks. (I’m not a fan of the word usage here. Here’s my thinking: you walk through doors when you’re inside. When you’re inside, walking through a door gets you from one room to the other. Now, when you walk through an open door, to my mind, that means you’re walking from the outside going inside. Here, I would change the word through and replace it with out. To my mind, when you walk out a door, you’re inside going outside. That’s what my mind tells me. That’s what American English tells me. You can come in, but you go out. Ever have or hear a fight between two people? What does one tell the other? Walk out, get out, or something like that, right? When I walk out that door, Alice, I’m not coming back. Or is that just me, folks?)
MOTHER
Honey, what’s takin’ ya so long? I don’t want ya catchin’ a…
DRIFTER (off panel)
Hey, darlin’.
Panel 2
An over the shoulder shot of the mother looking at the drifter. The side of her face can be seen with a shocked expression. Standing in front of her with a smug expression is the drifter. He is next to the pot and has his arm firmly around the boy’s shoulder in a subtly threatening matter. The boy looks like he’s trying his best to hide his fear. (If we’re over her shoulder, we’re not going to see much of her expression, if any of it at all.)
MOTHER
Wha…what do ya want?
DRIFTER
Well, I’ve been travellin’ quite a ways, ya see. And I could sure use go for a fresh cooked meal. ( Use is incorrect in this sense. And that period at the end of the first sentence? It needs to be a comma. It should be a soft pause, not a hard stop.)
Panel 3
Side shot of the scene. The drifter stands on one side of the panel still holding the boy. The mother stands on the opposite side now holding her hands to her chest with the apron as if the sudden sight of the drifter gave her a fright. (Remember, you have to describe things from left to right. If you want the drifter on the left of the panel, that’s fine. I just want you to make sure you’re doing it on purpose, and not being haphazard about it.)
DRIFTER
Care to offer a humble guest some of this fine smellin’ stew?
MOTHER
Please. That food needs to last us ’till winter. We don’t have enough to…(This sounds like the pot of stew has to last them until the winter. Hopefully, that isn’t what you mean, because otherwise, it would be absurd.)
Panel 4
A medium shot of the drifter smiling deviously with his arm around the boy’s head and stroking the boy’s chin, who now has a concerned look of fear.
DRIFTER
Oh, don’t be silly, ma’am. I’m sure you can spare a bit.
P2 down, and what do we have?
We have a lack of clear communication between the writer and the reader.
More than likely, Frank meant that the food the mother/son team had stored has to last them until the winter, and not the food in the pot. However, that isn’t what was said. What was said was the food in the pot has to last them until the winter. Not good.
What happens in the winter? Does food become more abundant then? Does someone have to go out hunting in order to bring in more food when winter sets in? I don’t know, and neither does the audience.
That’s the biggest mistake on the page. Then there’s the through/out debate. We know which camp I’m in.
So here’s a story.
I have a cousin, and there are times when talking to her, or hearing her converse with others, is painful to me, because she’ll say something, and then she’ll vague it up. That’s right, she makes a statement, and then makes it vague. No, she doesn’t make a vague statement, although that’s the outcome: she makes a statement, and then makes it vague.
She loves adding two phrases to sentences: or whatever, and or whatever it is. Drives me nuts.
There is no reason why my fingertips or whatever are cold. That’s a statement that was made vague. What else is cold besides her fingertips? I have no idea.
Johnny punched David in the face, or whatever it was. A statement that was made vague. Now you’re wondering did Johnny punch David in the face, or did he punch David somewhere else?
I am a say what you mean type of person. I don’t like being vague unless that is my intent. I don’t like for my intent to be misinterpreted, unless that is also my intent.
I think the intent with the dialogue in that one line is off, but it’s an important line to the story. It sounds like they barely have enough for their survival, and another mouth to feed—especially an adult—would put too much of a strain on that resource. The line needs to be changed so that she’s talking about all of the food, and not just what’s in the stew pot.
Although I fear the drifter is in danger of making it into that pot, but that’s just me.
Page 3 (5 panels) (Page break.)
Panel 1
An angled side shot of the drifter sitting on a tree stump and eating, hunched over a small metal bowl he holds in one hand. He has a pleasant smile on his face as he brings a filled spoon to his mouth with his other hand. Sitting next to him (in the background of the shot) the mother has her arm around her son, keeping him close as if to protect him. Both the mother and the son have a look of worry on their faces.
DRIFTER
Mmm mmm. This some good eatin’.
DRIFTER
Must be hard. Ya’ll two out here alone. All winter long. (I don’t like the periods here. This could be a single sentence.)
Panel 2
Close up of the mother’s somber face looking down from depressing grief. The boy, still clutched in her arm, can be seen looking up at his mother with concern.
MOTHER
Well, the boy’s father caught a bad stretch of sickness a while back. Left us to fend for ourselves these past couple seasons.
Panel 3
A wide shot from behind all three of them looking out over the entire area, which consists of them sitting around the pot/fire pit, the log cabin and several clothes lines in the distance. (Combined with the dialogue, what is this panel doing to push the story forward or reveal character? We already know what the landscape looks like.)
DRIFTER
Well give yourselves some credit. Ya’ll seem to be doin’ all right here. But still… (The panel description isn’t the problem. The problem is the dialogue doesn’t reveal anything that warrants the panel it’s in. That has to be fixed. Space is too precious a commodity to waste it like this.)
Panel 4
A straight on shot of the drifter sitting on one side of the panel and the mother sitting on the other. Still holding the bowl in one hand (with the spoon inside), the drifter is reaching over and placing his other hand on the mother’s leg with a creepy smile. She is slightly leaning in the opposite direction to get away from him while still clutching the son in her arm.
DRIFTER
Makin’ it through the winter’s always easier with a man around.
Panel 5
A shot to the side of the drifter as he leans forward to look at the boy sitting on the opposite side of his mother (technically the shot is from the drifter’s POV behind his head as his neck is now turned to actually see the child). The fearful boy is leaning into his mother’s side. The shot is low and close enough so that the mother’s head is off panel.
DRIFTER
Ain’t that right, boy?
So we’ve got P3 down, and while we don’t have any vagueness of language, we do have a panel that isn’t doing much to push the story forward or reveal character. Padding? Not at all. It just isn’t doing what it should.
Now, I want everyone to notice that the drifter has a well defined voice. It definitely has a Western flavor to it. The problem, to me, are the periods. I’m not a fan of short sentences, especially when the seems like everything said could have fit into one. That’s killing me a bit. He’s not a simpleton, this one. He can keep his flavor, just make his sentences more complex.
Page 4 (5 panels)
Panel 1
A head on shot of the drifter standing up. The bowl is still in his hand while the mother and son still remain seated. The brewing pot is in the foreground with a big ladle handle sticking out the top
DRIFTER
Well, my stomach’s still a rubblin’. Ya’ll wouldn’t mind if I helped myself to some more, would ya? (Again, the spelling. Rubblin’ or rumblin’?)
MOTHER
Please. Don’t take anymore. We need it.
DRIFTER
Oh, I know. Believe me, I do.
Panel 2
A medium, side shot of the drifter as he approaches the pot.
DRIFTER
I mean, just look at me. I’m practically the poster child for survival. Which, unfortunately for ya’ll, means taking what I have to.
Panel 3
A shot directly above the pot looking down on top of it, with a bubbly stew brewing inside, as the drifter stirs with the ladle.
DRIFTER
And without a strong hunter around, I’m surprised ya’ll have any meat at all.
Panel 4
A medium, head on close up of the drifter reaching into the pot with the ladle, eagerly about to scoop up its bubbling contents, which can be seen over the pot’s rim. Behind him, an outline of the woman can be seen approaching.
DRIFTER
I’m sure this is some small game. Probably rabbit, am I right?
MOTHER
Actually…
Panel 5
Same position/angle as previous panel. The drifter has now just scooped up the stew and has a shocked expression on his face as he looks at a severed human foot resting on top of the ladle. Behind him, the woman is now closer and holds a thick tree branch ready to strike.
MOTHER
…you’d be surprised what cattle comes our way.
Nothing bad to say about this page. Just watch the spelling.
And I called it.
Page 5 (4 panels)
Panel 1
Large panel at top of page. A close up of the drifter getting hit over the head by the woman swinging the log.
SFX
Wack!
Panel 2
This is the first of a three panel sequence all positioned/angled the same way. This is a head on shot showing the drifter lying on his stomach in the colorful leaves littering the floor (The ground! Floors are inside, ground is outside.). His face shows him dazed from the blow, which now has blood trickling down his head. Behind him, the mother and son can be seen grabbing onto each of the drifter’s legs. And further in the background, the cabin awaits with its front door firmly open.
MOTHER
I guess you’re right, sir.
DRIFTER
Uhhh.
Panel 3
The camera is in the same position as the previous panel in relation to the cabin. We now see the mother and son physically pulling the drifter, who is a little more awake than in the previous panel, towards the cabin door. (This would be better served if the camera were at the same angle, same location, but they were further away from it and closer to the cabin. If that’s what you meant, then you need to express that more clearly.)
MOTHER
Winter will be easier
DRIFTER
Please…don’t…
MOTHER
now that a man’s around.
Panel 4
With the camera still in the same position, we now see the door of the cabin slammed shut.
SFX
Slam!
DRIFTER (from through the closed door)
Nooo!
Let’s run it down.
Format: If not for the missing page breaks, this would have had a Flawless Victory.
Panel Descriptions: Generally pretty good. Not much that needs to be done with them. Just a little discussion now and again about what you really mean, such as P5, panel 3.
Just keep in mind, we read from left to right, so you should describe things in every panel from left to right. For things that go from the foreground to the background and vice versa, use whatever method seems most appropriate to you. However, saying that a character is to one side of the panel and another to the other side of the panel is vague.
Usually, whoever speaks first should be on the left, and whoever speaks second should be on the right. This makes life easier for the letterer and the reader. Place them firmly in the panel. Don’t be vague, coy, or shy about it, unless their placement truly doesn’t matter. The only time when placement doesn’t matter is when you have a large cast of characters on the panel.
Pacing: Very nicely done! There was only one panel that didn’t do the job it should have, and that was mostly because of the dialogue. This was a tight story.
Was the twist telegraphed? I’m not a smart guy, so I’m going to say yes. However, that is not a pacing problem. Because it’s a short story, some things just can’t be helped. It didn’t distract from my enjoyment of it any.
Dialogue: There could have been more. What’s here is not bad. A bit misleading at one point, but definitely not bad. And I noticed that as soon as I said something about the Drifter’s dialogue, it got better.
I wouldn’t do much differently with the dialogue, except add more of it.
Content: As a reader, this isn’t bad. Not bad at all. I just wish there were more to read, more of a point. Either scarier or more disturbing, and that is accomplished with more dialogue. That would be my only complaint as a reader.
Editorially, this doesn’t need much help at all. Very tight. The low panel count and limited dialogue makes for a fast read, so I might want to slow that down some by adding more words to the panels. The panel count doesn’t necessarily need to increase, but it could use at least half again more words than are used here.
And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!
Also, we’re still close to running out of scripts. We have only enough scripts to take us through the end of the year! If you want to have your script critiqued and don’t want to wait, now is the perfect time to do so!
Like what you see? Steve and Sam are available for your editing needs. You can email Steve here, and Sam here. My info is below.
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Category: Columns, The Proving Grounds
