TPG Week 226: Lots Of Firsts (And None Of Them Good)
Hello, one and all, and welcome back to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Jason Duke! We also have Liam Hayes in blue, I’m the ogre in red, and we’re all going to go on the journey Jason takes us on in
Adonai
BLANK PAGE WITH TEXT.
PREMISE: THERE IS A GALAXY IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE (AND OTHER GALAXIES) THAT FORMED 380 MILLION YEARS AFTER THE BIG-BANG. THE UNIVERSE IS 13.8 BILLION YEARS OLD. THEREFORE, EVERYTHING IN THAT GALAXY HAS BEEN EVOLVING FOR 13.42 BILLION YEARS. TO PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE: THE EARLIEST BEGINNINGS OF THE MILKY WAY GALAXY ARE ESTIMATED AT 13.2 BILLION YEARS. BUT THE GALACTIC DISK OF THE MILKY WAY, UPON WHICH OUR SOLAR SYSTEM SITS, IS ONLY ABOUT TEN BILLION YEARS OLD. AND THE EARTH IS ONLY 4.54 BILLION YEARS OLD. THAT’S 4.54 BILLION YEARS TO GET TO CARS, COMPUTERS, CELL PHONES, INTERNET, ROCKETS TO THE MOON (AND SOON, THE FIRST COLONIZERS TO MARS), AND NUCLEAR BOMBS. ASSUMING WE DON’T GO THE WAY OF THE DINOSAURS, IMAGINE WHERE THE HUMAN RACE WILL BE 100 MILLION YEARS FROM NOW? ONE BILLION YEARS FROM NOW? THE DIFFERENCE IN EVOLUTIONARY YEARS OF THAT ANCIENT GALAXY AND OUR MILKY WAY = 220 MILLION YEARS. DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT ANCIENT GALAXY AND OUR GALACTIC DISK = 3.42 BILLION YEARS. HYPOTHETICALLY, IF INTELLIGENT LIFE WERE TO EXIST IN THAT 13.42 BILLION YEAR OLD GALAXY, THEY WOULD HAVE AN EVOLUTIONARY ADVANTAGE OF BETWEEN 220 MILLION YEARS AND 3.42 BILLION YEARS…
This is an incredibly dull way of starting a story. Not to mention extremely convoluted. We have no reason to care about this info dump. Can’t you get it in with actual dialogue and/or story progression?
Oh wow.
This is P1?
This is padding in the worst way. I should set the Line of Demarcation right here! I’ve read cereal boxes that were more interesting. (Mmm. Cereal. Froot Loops sound good right about now, and I haven’t had a child’s cereal in a very long time.)
Let’s go, folks. Let’s see what’s actually happening.
FULL-PAGE SPLASH. (I’m calling it more padding, right here, right now. Let’s see if I’m wrong.)
PANEL 1
MOUNT OLYMPUS. MIDDLE BRONZE AGE: GREECE. WE ARE ON THE HIGHEST PEAK–THE MYTIKAS. ROCKY ICE-COVERED LEDGE OVERLOOKING AN ANCIENT BATTLEFIELD FAR BELOW TO THE EAST. BATTLEFIELD SPREAD ACROSS THE DRY BROWN CHAPARRAL FOOTHILLS CALLED THE XIROKAMPI, FAR EAST INTO THE FERTILE PLAIN OF DION, AND THE SPARKLING BLUE WATERS OF THE STREAMS THAT ORIGINATE FROM OLYMPUS AND FEED THE LUSH GREEN PLAINS. TWO MASSIVE ARMIES PREPARING TO FIGHT EACH OTHER: TENS OF THOUSANDS OF GREEK SOLDIERS AMASSED IN PHALANXES ACROSS THIS BATTLEFIELD; HOPLITES IN BRONZE ARMOR, SHIELDS, AND SPEARS. (Reference images would be nice.)
CAPTION:
1600 B.C. – The Titanomachy – end of the ten-year Titan Wars – final battle of the war.
Another boring page. This is essentially just an establishing shot with a small amount of text covering it. Your pacing is completely off.
See? I wasn’t wrong.
One of our own went for something in this vein before. I want to say it was Kyle, but it’s been quite a while since I’ve thought about it, so I could be wrong, and I’m not going to research it to find out. I’ve got other things to do that are much more interesting, like shaving my toes, bathing my yak, and ensuring that I do my part to help methane production by eating cabbage.
Why haven’t I said anything about the script? Well, there isn’t anything to say yet. Nothing has happened except a waste of space, and Liam has already covered that. I haven’t yet set the Line of Demarcation, but you ever get that itchy feeling just at the base of your skull? That feeling that says go ahead, do eet ? That’s the feeling I have right now.
Two pages in, nothing has happened, and the reader is about to put this back on the shelf, wipe their hands on their shirt, and move on to the next book. I hear And Then Emily Was Gone is a good book…
PANEL 1-2 LONG HORIZONTAL AT THE TOP. PANEL SIX IS BIG AND BOTTOM RIGHT ON THE PAGE. THE REMAINING PANELS 3, 4, 5, & 7 ARE VERTICAL IN THAT ORDER, LEFT OF THE SIXTH PANEL. (So, we have someone who wants to direct the page layout. This isn’t wrong, but most of the time this should be left to the artist, simply because it’s generally going to cause an aneurysm. Seven panels on this page, and the 7th panel is to the LEFT of the sixth? Know what? I’m setting the LoD right here, just because Jason wants to take us back out of the book on the last panel of the page, leading the eye incorrectly. This is officially crap. And we’ve barely scratched the surface of any real story. I’m a sad llama…)
PANEL 1
THIS IS PANORAMIC SHOT FROM THE FRONT. (Front of what?) ONE ARMY CARRIES BANNERS OF ARES: Pictures of – Spears, Torches; and Vultures feeding on the corpses of slain warriors. THE ARMY OF MYCENAE CHANTING IN BALLOON. (Are those underlined phrases supposed to be links?)
(I’m not entirely sure what’s happening in this panel. You’ve described a banner but nothing else.)
ARMY OF MYCENAE:
Ares! Ares! Ares! Ares!
PANEL 2
SAME PANORAMIC SHOT FROM THE FRONT. THE CHANTING GROWS FEVERISH. A LIVING CARPET OF FLESH BASHING SPEARS INTO SHIELDS. THEIR BLOOD IS UP. THEY ARE READY. READY TO FIGHT FOR ARES. READY TO DIE FOR HIM. PREPARED TO FIGHT TO THE BITTER END UNTIL VICTORY IS ACHIEVED. (This is not a panel description. This is prose.)(Wait. Did you feel that? It felt like the entire planet just rolled their eyes at the same time. Felt a little sea-sick. Or was that just me?)
ARMY OF MYCENAE:
ARES! ARES! ARES! ARES!
PANEL 3
GIANT ARMORED FOOT STEPS FORWARD ONTO THE ROCKY ICE-COVERED LEDGE OF THE MYTIKAS, CRACKING THE ICE. (Huh? There are footsteps in the ice?) BUT FUTURISTIC ARMOR. (How are we supposed to discern that from footsteps?) CLEARLY, NOT OF THE EARTH. OR TIME PERIOD. OR THIS GALAXY. THE ARMOR GLOWS, POWERED BY AN UNKNOWN POWER SOURCE: (What armor? Aren’t we looking at footsteps?) A TECHNOLOGY FAR EXCEEDING THE WILDEST DREAMS OF EVEN OUR 21ST-CENTURY IMAGININGS. (You want something drawn that we can’t even imagined? How?) FAR ANCIENT THAN THE FORMATION OF THE EARTH. BILLIONS OF YEARS OLDER THAN EVEN THE BIRTH OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM. TECHNOLOGY–THAT TO THE ANCIENT GREEKS–IS MAGICAL……GOD-LIKE. THIS IS: ADONAI. (This is not a panel description. This is not writing for comics.)(I don’t know what the hell this is, except not good. This isn’t even CLOSE to good. I’ve had ice cream headaches that were better than this. This needed a simple, one-letter word in order for Liam to not be confused about what we were seeing, and then it could have stopped at futuristic armor. But nooooooo. Jason felt the need to continue. You remember being taunted as a child by something that was big and scary, and you were frightened and just wanted it to stop? Because you knew: you knew your sanity was on the line. That’s exactly how I feel. I know my sanity is on the line, because there’s nothing but extremely terrible writing ahead. And there’s no escape until Liam stops. I’m screwed.)
F.X.: (ADONAI ARMORED FOOT):
CRAAACCKK!!!
PANEL 4
ADONAI STEPS FORWARD. FULLY ARMORED BATTLE SUIT. FIFTEEN FEET TALL. BILLIONS OF YEARS ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY. ESSENTIALLY A BIG SPACE SUIT LIKE AN ASTRONAUT. ONLY BILLIONS OF YEARS MORE ADVANCED, HEAVILY ARMORED, AND, AS WE WILL SOON FIND OUT, ARMED TO THE TEETH. THERE IS NO DESCRIPTION I CAN PROVIDE THAT WILL COME CLOSE TO EXPLAINING WHAT THIS ARMOR LOOKS LIKE. (That’s unfortunately for both a panel DESCRIPTION and the medium in of itself.)(If you can’t describe what it looks like, why are you spending so many words on it?) BUT TO TRY AND PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE: THINK SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR: SILVERY SUIT OF TIGHT-FITTING PLATE MAIL. (So you can describe it?)(Liam stole my line!) BUT INSTEAD OF HELMETS THEY HAVE ANDROGYNOUS ARMORED HUMANOID-SHAPED HEADS. THIS IS THE BEST DESCRIPTION I CAN GIVE, THOUGH IT DOESN’T COME CLOSE. IF YOU CAN FATHOM WHAT BILLIONS OF YEARS-OLD TECHNOLOGY WOULD LOOK LIKE, GO WITH YOUR VISION. FULLY ARMORED. NO SKIN SHOWING. YET, THIS IS NO FAIRY TALE. BELIEVE IT AS THOUGH IT WERE REAL. A SECRET HISTORY, BUT THE TRUE HISTORY, OF OUR CIVILIZATIONS’ BEGINNINGS. A SECRET HISTORY LOST TO ANTIQUITY AND ANNALS OF TIME. (What…? Believe it as thought it were real? I’m having a hard time believing this script is real.)(I’m in the mood to listen to Barbara Streisand. Or Bette Middler. Or some Jewish female singer/actress whose first name starts with a B. Why? I have no idea. I have words, but I’ll save them for the end of this page. No, they are not kind words. How’s that for foreshadowing?)
PANEL 5
THE ARMY’S POV – THE DISTANT HULKING METAL MONSTROSITY OF ADONAI’S ARMORED BATTLE SUIT STANDING ATOP THE MYTIKAS, SURVEYING THE EPIC BATTLEFIELD BELOW. (Why are the army looking up at the mountain instead of the other army?)(Screw that. How about this: how can an entire army have a point of view? At least we have a panel description that almost works, instead of the monstrosities we had prior to this.)
PANEL 6 – BIG
A MEDIUM SHOT OF SOME OF THE PHALANXES, THIS TIME FROM BEHIND. THE ARMY OF MYCENAE CHEERS THEIR GOD OF WAR (This is letterer direction.), STRIKING THEIR SHIELDS WITH THEIR SPEARS OR APA SHORT SWORDS, RAISING SPEARS AND SHORT SWORDS INTO THE AIR TOWARD ADONAI IN HER HONOR AND SHOUTING THE NAME THEY HAVE GIVEN HER. THEIR COLLECTIVE VOICE BOOMS OVER THE VAST BATTLEFIELD. BUT ADONAI IS NOT A GOD. SHE IS SOMETHING ELSE (FUCK!!!!!! SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!): POWERFUL…ANCIENT…AND ALIEN. ADONAI IS NOT THE NAME THEY CALL HER. THE ANCIENT GREEKS NAMED HER: ARES, GOD OF WAR. INSTEAD, ADONAI IS HER TRUE NAME. KNOWN ONLY TO HER ANCIENT ALIEN RACE. ADONAI WAS AMONG THE FIRST ANCIENT ASTRONAUTS TO VISIT OUR WORLD. SHE WAS AMONG THE FIRST TO ARRIVE, BUT NOT THE LAST. AND WITH THEM, THEY BROUGHT THEIR TERRIBLE AND PRIMEVAL CIVIL WAR TO US. TO THE FORWARD OPERATING BASES (FOBs)(Did someone just call my name? No, no, he said fob. Okay. I’d feel better if I were having a fever dream.) THEY HAVE ERECTED ON VENUS AND MARS, RESPECTIVELY. WHERE SHE COMES FROM, WHAT ANCIENT ALIEN RACE TO WHICH SHE BELONGS? THE EARLY HUMANS OF EARTH KNOW NOT. ONLY THEY ARE FOOT SOLDIERS IN AN EPIC STRUGGLE BETWEEN THE GODS. (This is not a panel description. This isn’t even prose. This is just a collection of words that you put here for reasons unfathomable.)
ARMY OF MYCENAE: (GOING APESHIT):
AAARRRRREEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
PANEL 7 (Remember, folks: this panel is to the left of the previous panel.)
THE ARMY IS READY AND ADONAI IS READY TO LEAD THEM INTO BATTLE. A DIGITIZED MOUTH–LIKE AN AUDIO WAVE LIGHT VECTOR–WHERE HER MOUTH WOULD BE ON THE FACEPLATE OF HER HELMET, SEEMS TO GRIN. (No. You can’t let the artist decide on character design and then call out random things like this.) BUT ALTHOUGH THEY FIGHT FOR ADONAI, AND TO THEM, SHE IS A GOD–ARES, THEIR GOD OF WAR–SHE IS FORBIDDEN FROM CLAIMING THEM AS HER ARMY. THE WARRING ANCIENT ALIENS MUST ABIDE BY THE CONVENTIONS OF WAR SPELLED OUT IN WHAT WE WILL LATER LEARN IS THE SOL CONVENTION (MUCH LIKE OUR GENEVA CONVENTION 3,549 YEARS LATER). WHICH MEANS: EARTH CAN ONLY BE USED AS AN ARENA WHERE THE GREATEST OF THEIR WARRIORS MAY MEET IN BATTLE…SHOULD A CHALLENGE BE ISSUED. LIKE THE KNIGHTS OF OLD, THE GREATEST SOLDIERS OF THESE WARRING ALIENS CAN CHALLENGE EACH OTHER IN SINGLE COMBAT, AND EARTH IS THE ARENA. BUT BEYOND SINGLE COMBAT, THE SOL CONVENTION FORBIDS THEM FROM BRINGING THE FULL WAR TO OUR SOIL. HOWEVER, THERE ARE GRAY AREAS IN THE SOL CONVENTION. SUCH AS THE EFFECT THIS HAS ON THE BEGINNINGS OF OUR EARLIEST CIVILIZATIONS. OR ASSISTING US WITH RUDIMENTARY KNOWLEDGE AND TECHNOLOGY. OR RALLYING US TO THEIR CAUSES (FREEWILL). THERE ARE ALSO THOSE AMONG THESE ANCIENT ALIENS WHO WOULD IGNORE THE CONVENTION IF IT’S INCONVENIENT, OR OUTRIGHT DEFY THE SOL CONVENTION ALTOGETHER. THE CHOICE IS OURS TO FIGHT FOR THEM. BUT WHO WOULD DARE DENY SUCH BEINGS? WHO WOULD DARE DENY A GOD? (Argh.) (I stopped reading after Sol Convention. Everyone facepalm simultaneously. Even embryos.)
There is nothing I can say to can accurate describe how bad this script is. You took all the worst bits of comics writing and prose and smashed them together into an unholy matrimony of horror.
Okay.
I’m just going to come out and say it. We all already know it, but it just doesn’t feel real until it’s said.
This is one of the worst pieces of shit that has ever come across TPG. Ever. And I’ve had some doozies over the years. Actually, come to think of it, this hits a new low, because as I think back to those other totally inferior scripts, none of them were as fucked up as this. At least those scripts attempted to do something. I’ve even turned away a couple of scripts because they were nothing but screenplays, and they were better than this.
This is a piece of shit, and I’m sorry that you all have to bear witness to this.
You, Jason, are a terrible, terrible, terrible writer. I have no idea where you thought anything you put together in this piece was good, but it isn’t. Instead of writing a script, putting in things that can actually be drawn, you keep finding yourself going on and on (and on) and on (and-fucking-ON) about things that don’t have any bearing whatsoever on the task in front of you. What does the Geneva Convention have to do with the panel description? How does that information translate into something that can be drawn?
Instead of droning on about how large and alien the armor is, how about writing something that actually helps the artist? How about writing something the reader would be interested in? How about writing something that isn’t torturous? Because that’s what this is: pure torture.
Everyone knows how I love bad movies. Even I have my standards, though. So far, this is mostly useless as a script. If you want to masturbate on paper, that’s fine, but do it on someone else’s time. People who read this are busy. Right now, they’re only reading your ejaculations to see how Liam and I react.
I understand that you’re a published crime writer. Go back to that. Seriously.
This marks a number of firsts, folks. This is the first time that I’ve ever found a script to be utterly useless, this is the first time I’ve ever said someone is a terrible writer, this is the first time I’ve ever told someone they should go back to what they know.
Why? Because I’m pissed the fuck off. (This is also the first time I’ve ever dropped more than one f-bomb.)
Most of us have spent a good amount of time trying to learn our craft. We’ve read books, we’ve read scripts, we’ve done a lot of writing, and we’ve all tried to get better. Then, something like this comes along, and it seems like there was no effort put into it at all. Where’s the craft? Sure, there’s a format, but the format is to facilitate the telling of the story. After giving a half-assed description of whatever’s supposed to be happening, it’s like you’ve developed an incurable and fatal case of word-vomit, and you can’t stop your fingers from typing it out.
Have you ever even read a comic book script? Know what? Don’t answer that. I’m not interested.
Let’s see what else Liam has to say. I don’t even have the interest to really continue my harangue. How bad is that? I’m pissed off and uninterested at the same time.
Skim mode: On.
FIRST FOUR PANELS AT THE TOP. NEXT ROW: PANEL FIVE AND SIX SIDE BY SIDE. THIRD ROW: PANEL SEVEN AND EIGHT SIDE BY SIDE. (I hate eight-panel pages on general purpose. Either go seven or go nine. I don’t even care about the layout. I’m just remarking on the number of panels.)
PANEL 1
ADONAI LEAPS OFF THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN LEDGE, HIGH INTO THE SKY. (Moving panel.) (I can see this.)
PANEL 2
SHE FALLS BACK TO EARTH, THROUGH THE CLOUDS. (Moving panel.) (I can see this, too.)
PANEL 3
PLUMMETS TOWARD THE TINY SPECKS OF THE GREEK SOLDIERS FAR BELOW LIKE AN ARMORED GIANT ABOUT TO CRUSH SO MANY ANTS.
PANEL 4
THRUSTERS IGNITE IN THE SOLES OF HER ARMORED BOOTS, SLOWING HER DESCENT. (Moving panel.) (No, I can see this.)
PANEL 5
AS SHE’S ABOUT TO LAND, TWO LARGE THRUSTER FLAMES IGNITE FROM HER BACK, BLOWS WIND AND DUST AND THE TALL GRASSES, LIKE A HELICOPTER DOES COMING IN FOR A LANDING, AND SHE SOFT LANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE ARMY, ALTHOUGH EVEN A SOFT LANDING IN SUCH AN ARMORED SUIT STILL SENDS A TINY TREMOR THROUGH THE NEARBY RANKS OF HOPLITES. (Super moving panel!)
PANEL 6
NOW WE SEE ADONAI’S POV – THE OPPOSING GREEK ARMY A MILE AWAY: THOUSANDS OF GREEK SOLDIERS AMASSED IN PHALANXES ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD; HOPLITES IN BRONZE ARMOR, SHIELDS, AND SPEARS. BUT THESE GREEKS CARRY BANNERS OF VENUS. THE GODDESS KNOWN TO THEM AS: APHRODITE. PICTURES OF THORNY ROSES, SCALLOP SHELLS, AND SPARROWS. THE FACES OF THE SOLDIERS ARE APPREHENSIVE UPON SEEING THE MIGHTY ADONAI, BUT HOLD THEIR RANKS. (We can see their expressions from a mile a way?)
PANEL 7
TWIN THRUSTER FLAMES ARC DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE, THERE’S A SONIC BOOM, AND HIGH ABOVE IN THE SKY APPEARS ANOTHER GIANT ARMORED BATTLE SUIT. (Where? What? How? Why?)
F.X.:
Bwooom!
PANEL 8
PANORAMIC SHOT FROM THE FRONT. (The front of what?) THE ARMY OF MINOAN ROARS HIS NAME, CHEERING THEIR CHAMPION.
ARMY OF MINOAN: (GOING APESHIT):
APHRODITE! APHRODITE! APHRODITE!
This is awful. There’s nothing else to say. Even if this script were actually a script, the story is so slow, any interest is being killed.
I’ve had bouts of constipation that moved faster than this.
However, this is the first time where Jason didn’t try to skeet all over the page with words. I have no idea where he learned the restraint, unless he shot his wad in the first couple of pages and this is just the dregs at the very end.
Yes, that’s nasty. No, I don’t care. My nastiness is still orders of magnitude more interesting than what’s going on here.
Congratulations on your first readable page of script. No, I don’t apologize for anything I’ve said previously. I stand by every word I’ve previously stated.
PANEL 1-3 AT THE TOP. ROW 2: PANEL FOUR AND FIVE SIDE BY SIDE. THIRD ROW: PANEL SIX AND SEVEN, NICE, LOOONG HORIZONTAL VISTA SHOTS STACKED IN ORDER AT THE BOTTOM.
PANEL 1
HE ALSO DROPS THROUGH THE CLOUDS AND THRUSTERS IGNITE AGAIN IN HIS BOOTS AND SLOWS HIS DESCENT. (You’ve just combined your three earlier moving panels into one triple-moving panel of ultimate laziness. That’s quite the achievement.)
PANEL 2
TWO LARGE THRUSTER FLAMES IGNITE FROM HIS BACK AND HE SOFT LANDS AT THE HEAD OF THE ARMY OF MINOAN. THIS IS: ELAH. WHO THE GREEKS HAVE NAMED APHRODITE: GODDESS OF LOVE.
PANEL 3
THE DIGITIZED MOUTH ON THE FACEPLATE OF HIS HELMET, ALSO SEEMS TO GRIN.
PANEL 4
ANOTHER SONIC BOOM. IN THE SKY APPEAR THREE FIFTY-FOOT TALL ARMORED SUITS: THE TITANS. THAT IS, THE LAST THREE OF THE TITAN BATTLE SUITS TO SURVIVE THE TEN-YEAR TITANOMACHY. THEY DROP OUT OF THE SKY FROM THE UPPER LEFT CORNER OF THE PANEL.
F.X.:
Bwooom!
PANEL 5
CLOSE-UP OF ADONAI’S FACEPLATE. LET’S MAKE IT BLEED OFF THE RIGHT OF THE PANEL, SO THAT SHE’S FACING PANEL FOUR, AS THOUGH WATCHING THE THREE TITANS DROP FROM THE SKY. THE DIGITIZED MOUTH ON HER FACEPLATE SEEMS TO GO: GRRRRRR. BOTH ALIEN RACES SPEAK TELEPATHICALLY, BUT CAN COMMUNICATE IN ANY LANGUAGE THROUGH A UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR USING THE DIGITIZED MOUTH. WHEN THEY SPEAK THROUGH THE MOUTH, THE AUDIO WAVE LIGHT VECTOR MOVES AS IF IT WERE SPEAKING.
ADONAI:
Cheating prick!
PANEL 6
PANORAMIC SIDE VIEW FROM THE FRONT (I have no idea what this means.). THE TITANS CRASHING DOWN AT THE FRONT OF THE MINOAN ARMY. EARTH SPLITTING OPEN. (Okay, I’ve got a question for those who haven’t turned away, white haired and screaming: if a large space-suit lands in front of a very ancient (to us) army, and the earth splits at that landing…who has the tactical advantage?)
F.X.: (TITANS LANDING):
WHUMP! Kreee-unchh.
PANEL 7
ALSO PANORAMIC. AND A GREAT SHOCKWAVE RIPPLES OUT 360 DEGREES IN A MILE RADIUS THAT KNOCKS DOWN THE FRONT TWO RANKS OF BOTH ARMIES. LET’S MAKE THIS ONE AN OVERHEAD PANORAMA.
F.X.: (SHOCKWAVE):
VOOMP!
I can endure this no longer. This script displays a fundamental lack of understanding for the medium in which you’re writing. Even if it were well written, these five pages have zero story to be going on with. This will need several rewrites to get a presentable draft. Before you do that, read every TPG entry and B&N to get a better sense of how to write for the medium.
Liam has stopped! The pain has ended! Let’s run this piece of shit down, and then we can get back to something that really matters, like talking about the cotton industry, the manufacture of soap, and whether or not picture frames hold the key to omniversal enlightenment.
Format: Flawless Victory. The format is the best thing about this. Compared to the writing, the format is a paragon of perfection. Let’s get to the rest of it.
Panel Descriptions: The first couple of pages are severely lacking in anything useful that the artist can draw. Basically, you were masturbating and seeing if we could stomach the site. We already know how I feel about it. It was nonsensical garbage. Especially P3, panel 7. I have no idea what that was. I went back and read it to my wife. She has no idea what it was, either.
The second part got more to the point. Some moving panels, though. Useless.
Pacing: Cutting the uselessness from the panel descriptions and only talking about the action…there is no pacing. Here’s what happened: chanting and the landing of spacesuits. That’s over four pages, with a fifth page that doesn’t do anything at all and can be cut for the flab that it is.
Nothing happens, and nothing continues to happen for four pages.
Dialogue: There isn’t much of it. Lots of chanting of names. But here’s where we talk about names.
The panel descriptions say one thing, the dialogue says another. I’m going to talk about someone who regularly makes comments on TPG as an example: Plotz-Gal.
You all know her as Alyssa Crow, and I call her Plotz-Gal. If I were to only call her Plotz-Gal over and over again, and all of you call her Alyssa, and we were both talking to a third party, that third party would be confused, no?
Now, imagine I only talked to you, calling her Plotz-Gal, and you only spoke to the third party, only calling her Alyssa. Would the third party ever know I called her Plotz-Gal? Not at all.
Same thing with this piece of shit. You call the first space-suit Adonai, but that’s never said anywhere a reader can see it. They only see Ares.
Content: As a reader, I wouldn’t get off the first couple of pages. It doesn’t move, and it isn’t interesting.
Editorially, go back to prose. Or try to learn how to write for comics, and put in some actual effort. This is honestly offensive to me.
So, we have some firsts here:
We have the fact that I’ve dropped more than a couple of f-bombs.
I have outright called something a piece of shit.
I have told a writer to go back to prose.
Reading something like this makes me wonder about my choices in life. Makes me wonder if anything I’ve ever done in comics has any real impact. That’s how bad this is.
I’m going into my hole now. See you in the comments.
And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!
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Category: Columns, The Proving Grounds
