TPG Week 30: Necessary Evils
Hello! John Lees is a glutton for punishment, isn’t he? The last few times were pretty good, though. Let’s see if he can keep it up as he takes us on a
Blind Date
PAGE ONE (5 panels)
Panel 1. Interior establishing shot of a restaurant at night. Central focus of the panel is a candlelit table for two, with our two main characters – Craig and Amanda – sitting at either side, facing each other. Their dinner plates and their wine glasses sit half-emptied in front of them. They are looking into each other’s eyes, Craig grinning while he talks, and Amanda laughing in response. I imagine this panel being larger than the others on the page, to accommodate the title and credits.
CRAIG: …AND THAT’S WHY, UNLESS SOMEONE WANTS TO SEE AN IMPERSONATION OF A DYING OSTRICH, I NEVER DANCE IN PUBLIC.
AMANDA: HA HA HA!
Title. BLIND DATE
WRITER: JOHN LEES
ARTIST: HUGO DIEGO JAGGYBAWS THE THIRD
LETTERER: TYRION LANNISTER
Panel 2. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Craig, looking at a smiling Amanda.
AMANDA: I HAVE TO ADMIT, CRAIG, WHEN KYLE AND EMMA TALKED ABOUT SETTING ME UP ON A BLIND DATE, I WAS A BIT RELUCTANT. YOU GET IDEAS, YOU KNOW?
AMANDA: I ALMOST MADE UP AN EXCUSE TONIGHT, BUT… I’M REALLY GLAD I DECIDED TO COME ALONG.
Panel 3. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Amanda, looking at Craig, who is smiling sheepishly and is now holding her hand.
CRAIG: OH, I UNDERSTAND. I’VE CAME THROUGH A HARD BREAK-UP, AND DIDN’T KNOW IF I WAS READY TO GET OUT THERE. (Tsk. Tenses, John. Tenses.)
CRAIG: BUT WE JUST SEEM TO CLICK, AMANDA. IT’S LIKE I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR AGES… AND ALREADY I KNOW I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. (See that, folks? He got both names in within three panels, and without forcing it too much. I think that Amanda’s name was shoehorned in, but we’ll see if there was a better place to put it when we go down a bit. But this is what you’re going for: getting the character names in as soon as possible so that readers know whom they’re dealing with.)
(more)
PAGE ONE (continued)
Panel 4. Medium shot of Craig and Amanda at the table. Craig has turned away from Amanda, and is now looking down, nervous. Amanda is still holding his hand, and is flashing an encouraging smile at him.
CRAIG: MY LAST RELATIONSHIP ENDED BECAUSE I KEPT SECRETS, SO I WANT TO BE OPEN WITH YOU RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO.
CRAIG: THERE’S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’LL LIKE ME MUCH ONCE I DO.
AMANDA: IT’S FINE, CRAIG. WHATEVER IT IS, I PROMISE YOU I’M NOT GOING TO RUN FROM THE TABLE SCREAMING.
Panel 5. Close-up of Craig, looking happier again.
CRAIG: OKAY THEN. HERE GOES…
Yannick and Rich: I want both of your takes of what John did in this first page.
PAGE TWO (3 panels)
Panel 1. Medium shot of Craig (now standing next to the table) tearing his clothes off, revealing a spandex costume underneath. He has a solemn expression on his face.
SFX: RRRRIP!
GIRDERMAN: I’M ACTUALLY THE NOTORIOUS SUPERVILLAIN, GIRDERMAN!
GIRDERMAN: I’M AN I.T. CONSULTANT BY DAY, AND A MASTER THIEF BY NIGHT. I GET MY SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH FROM A MAGIC POTION, ONE THAT REALLY ISMADE FROM GIRDERS!
Panel 2. Long shot of Girderman and Amanda at the table. Suddenly embarrassed to be standing in a classy restaurant in his skintight costume, Girderman is standing awkwardly next to the table, an apologetic look on his face, his hands clasped in front of his privates. Amanda remains seated, looking up at Girderman anxiously. If there’s room, you might want to have some other patrons in the restaurant looking at this scene in surprise. (Ah! NOW he wants to think about the patrons. We all know they’re there, but he’s trying to make them magically delicious now. No, John. Pull out some within the first few panels so that we can get some patrons in there, too. That will then set up this panel beautifully.)
AMANDA: WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD.
Panel 3. Close-up of Amanda, biting her lip nervously.
AMANDA: YOU SEE, I HAVE A SECRET TOO…
Ah. Now you’re pulling the same gag twice. That’s too close together, and it isn’t on a true page-turn. The reader just has to slide their eyes over. Not good when it comes to placement and use, John.
PAGE THREE (3 panels)
Panel 1. Medium shot of Amanda (now also standing) tearing her dress off, revealing a warrior princess style get up underneath, with the armour breastplate and pleated mini-skirt. She looks quite sad as she makes her announcement.
SFX: RRRRIP!
ANNE AZON: I’M ACTUALLY ANNE AZON… THE STRONGEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD, AND GLASGOW’S MOST BELOVED SUPERHERO!
ANNE AZON: I ALSO HAPPEN TO BE YOUR ARCH NEMESIS.
Panel 2. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Girderman, looking at Anne Azon as she places a domino mask on her face. She has an uncertain expression on her face. (Let’s see.. Let’s see. Upon whom shall I pick? Well, this is a gimme, so I’ll call it fair game for anyone.)
ANNE AZON: SO… WHAT NOW?
Panel 3. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Anne Azon, looking at Girderman as he pulls his mask over his head. I’d suggest that the mask be like the ones worn by (among others) Daredevil or Bullseye, where the top half of his face is covered, but his mouth and jawline is exposed – so we can still let him emote. He is smiling politely at Anne Azon.
GIRDERMAN: I JUST WANT TO SAY… I’VE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT. A LOVELY MEAL, FANTASTIC COMPANY, I DON’T REGRET IT AT ALL.
GIRDERMAN: AND OF COURSE, I’LL COVER THE BILL…
This is pretty cute. I’m enjoying this. Not as much as others, but I’m enjoying it. I think it would have gone over better if she were a thief, too, and they were rivals. As soon as he came out as a villain, it was easy to see she was a hero. Her being a villain would have been a semi-unexpected twist. Right now, though, I’m getting a Powers vibe (hero and villain fighting all the time and making out because they turn each other on).
PAGE FOUR (6 panels)
Panel 1. Medium shot of Girderman smashing the dinner table over Anne Azon’s head. He is letting out an angry yell as he does this, while Anne Azon winces from the attack. Plates, glasses and candles are flying everywhere. (What happened to the other patrons? Did they magically disappear?)
GIRDERMAN: YAAAH!
SFX: CRACK!
Panel 2. Medium shot of a determined Anne Azon grabbing a bottle of wine from the tray of a shocked-looking waiter. Girderman is snarling in the background, moving towards her.
Panel 3. Close-up of the bottle being smashed over the wincing Girderman’s head. (If he has superhuman strength, why is he wincing over a bottle?)
SFX: SMASH!
Panel 4. Long shot of Anne Azon and Girderman, now standing in the middle of the restaurant floor, surrounded by panicked staff and customers. Anne Azon is dodging backwards as Girderman lunges at her, her expression calm. Girderman is wielding a knife in one hand and a fork in the other as makeshift weapons, looking angry as wine drips from his face.
Panel 5. Medium shot from behind Anne Azon as she tackles Girderman. He is letting out a gasp as if the wind has been knocked out of him by the blow, the cutlery flying out of his hands. In the background, we can see they are headed towards the glass front wall of the restaurant. If you have room, you could also perhaps have terrified people jumping out of harm’s way in the background.
SFX: THUD.
GIRDERMAN: OOF!
Panel 6. Exterior establishing shot of the restaurant, as Anne Azon and Girderman go flying through the front window and out into the street. We can see from the sign up top that the restaurant is called CALM BLUE OCEAN .
SFX: KRRRRSSSHH!
PAGE FIVE (8 panels)
Panel 1. Long shot of Girderman hitting Anne Azon with an uppercut. Both are amidst the heap of broken glass from their fall in the previous page. Girderman is on one knee, rising up into his attack, while Anne Azon is kneeling, her head snapped back from the blow.
SFX: THWACK!
ANNE AZON: NNG!
Panel 2. Medium shot of Girderman getting punched in the gut by Anne Azon, his eyes opening wide in pain as she glares at him angrily.
SFX: PHUT!
GIRDERMAN: UUNH!
Panel 3. Tight medium shot of Anne Azon grimacing in pain as Girderman’s boot hits her chest with a thrust kick.
SFX: STOMP!
Panel 4. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Anne Azon as she hits Girderman with an elbow to the side of the head, the blow making Girderman’s eyes clench shut in pain.
SFX: KRUK!
Panel 5. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Girderman as he tugs on Anne Azon’s hair. Her expression is more annoyed than anything else.
ANNE AZON: OW!
Panel 6. Medium shot of an angry Anne Azon twisting Girderman’s nipples. His head is thrown back in a mighty scream of agony.
SFX: NURP! (HA! Funny!)
GIRDERMAN: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHH!!!
(more)
PAGE FIVE (continued)
Panel 7. Ground-level long shot of Anne Azon and Girderman. Girderman has just been shoved down onto the ground, on his back, by Anne Azon, who is kneeling on top of him, pinning his arms to the ground with her hands. They are snarling angrily at each other.
SFX: THUD!
Panel 8. Medium shot of Anne Azon and Girderman, in the same position as the previous panel, but now Anne Azon is smiling while Girderman looks up, confused.
PAGE SIX (2 panels)
Panel 1. Medium shot of Anne Azon and Girderman kissing as they lie on the ground, Anne Azon still on top of Girderman.
Panel 2. Long shot of Amanda and Craig in bed together, their feet sticking out from under the covers. Amanda is laying on her side, facing Craig, a mischievous smile on her face as she rubs a hand along Craig’s chest. Craig is bearing a black eye and looks exhausted, his hands folded behind his head as he lies on his back, looking over at Amanda with a weary smile. Their costumes are strewn across the floor around the bed.
CAP: LATER…
CRAIG: YOU FANCY GOING FOR COFFEE TOMORROW?
BOTTOM CAP: END.
Okay, let’s run this down:
Format: Flawless victory.
Panel Descriptions: Pretty good. They could have been thought out just a tiny bit more, though. Like I said up top, if you planned for the patrons in the beginning, then they would have been able to help provide more comic relief when you wanted them. There’s more than enough space to get the shots that you wanted as well as get customers in view. That would have been used to your advantage.
Pacing: Not bad. Again, you kinda gave things away, but you were trying to do this within a small page count. So, I understand where you were coming from with it. Sometimes, you just have to deal with necessary evils: either move things a little fast, or be accused of padding. I think you chose the wiser course.
Dialogue: Tenses! Besides that and forcing Amanda’s name a touch, I thought the dialogue was pretty good. I got a Dr. Horrible type of feeling upon reading it, and that’s never a bad thing.
Content: From a reader’s standpoint, you telegraphed your heroine actually being a heroine, as well as them ending up in bed together. I saw that coming as soon as he revealed himself. It would have changed the dynamic you were going for if they were both villains, but I think that would be preferable to telegraphing the ending. It was pretty easy to see.
Editorially, we’d talk about what you wanted to accomplish with this story, and see what could be done differently so as not to be as obvious, while still keeping the fun. Don’t get me wrong, this was a fun story. It just suffers from being easy to call. I’m not that smart, so if I can call it, anyone can.
And that’s it for this week. Check the calendar to see who’s next. (And I still want/need scripts! So, the who’s next could be you!)
Related Posts:
Category: The Proving Grounds
Yeah, Steve, I agree with this story being prediictable. For a bit of context, the writer’s group I’m a part of here in Glasgow is putting together an anthology of superhero shorts, and this was my first attempt at an entry for it. But the concensus of the group seemed to be that it was well-written enough, but there wasn’t really a twist or a surprise or anything to make it more than a straightforward unfolding of events. So I ended up writing a different script for the anthology that I think was a little bit better (and a lot more debauched).
Thanks again for the edit!
Yannick and Rich: I want both of your takes of what John did in this first page.
Gee, talk about an open-ended question
Tight and snappy – just like good spandex should be! John does a very good job of establishing characterization for both of his main characters in the first page. This makes for a nice set up for the flip in the following pages.
However, I would have gone a little further in establishing the setting. For example, I’d set the first panel as an exterior shot showing the large glass windows in front of the restaurant with the name. Hence:
Panel 1. Exterior establishing shot of a classy restaurant at night. The front of the restaurant is made of large windows with the name of the place stencilled in ornate letters. A valet is welcoming a smartly-dressed couple getting out of a luxury car. Streetlights are on.
WINDOW TEXT: CHEZ AZURE’S
CRAIG (OP): AND THAT’S WHY, UNLESS SOMEONE WANTS TO SEE AN IMPERSONATION OF A DYING OSTRICH, I NEVER DANCE IN PUBLIC.
Panel 2. Cut to a wide shot inside the restaurant, focus on a candlelit table for two where Craig and Amanda are sitting, facing each other. Their dinner plates and their wine glasses sit half-emptied in front of them. Craig is grinning and Amanda is laughing.
AMANDA: HA HA HA!
Of course, that means we’d have to scrunch up the dialogue a bit to make it fit inside the same five panels but – in my opinion – we come away with two advantages:
1. We have a clearer establishing shot: it’s a fancy restaurant (valet parking, rich customers and snotty name – yeah, I changed it to make it even snobbier) and it’s night time (the streetlights).
2. We can set up another shot later when the fight starts:
Panel 3. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Anne Azon, looking at Girderman as he pulls his mask over his head. I’d suggest that the mask be like the ones worn by (among others) Daredevil or Bullseye, where the top half of his face is covered, but his mouth and jawline is exposed – so we can still let him emote. He is smiling politely at Anne Azon.
GIRDERMAN: I JUST WANT TO SAY I’VE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT. A LOVELY MEAL, FANTASTIC COMPANY, I DON’T REGRET IT AT ALL.
GIRDERMAN: AND OF COURSE, I’LL PAY FOR THE DAMAGES.
Panel 4
Close-up on Anne Azon’s face. She looks puzzled.
ANNE AZON: WHAT DAMAGES?
PAGE 4
Panel 1
Same shot as the first panel on the first page. The valet is standing straight, tilting his cap at an old woman wrapped in a very large white fur coat and walking a ridiculously tiny dog
NO COPY.
Panel 2
Same shot again but now Girderman and Anne Azon are bursting through the window onto the street, grappling at each other, glass exploding everywhere. The valet jumps out of the way and the woman is suddenly jerked forward by the suddenly very strong little dog.
SFX: KRRRRSSSHH!
But yet once again my blatant disregard for what John has written makes it so we have to move the action BACK into the restaurant for that wonderfully choreographed fight scene with the cutlery (I want one of them to throw it, miss and have customers being missed by mere inches!).
Just for the heck of it, I’ll make my comments spill out onto page 2. I think the big reveal on page 2 could warrant a splash page. That could push back the rest of the dialogue (starting at GIRDERMAN: I’M AN I.T. CONSULTANT BY DAY) on page three, pad it a bit and then you can have Anne Azon’s reveal on page 4, just in time for a page turn.
As for how predictable the twist is, let’s not forget how genre-savvy most people reading comics are. I think most readers aren’t that resentful of finding out a twist in advance and can forgive an author for telegraphing a plot twist, but there might be a way to REALLY turn it on its head by introducing yet another twist in your very last panel:
Panel 2. Long shot of Amanda and Craig in bed together, their feet sticking out from under the covers. Amanda is laying on her side, facing Craig, a mischievous smile on her face as she rubs a hand along Craig’s chest. Craig is bearing a black eye and looks exhausted, his hands folded behind his head as he lies on his back, looking over at Amanda with a weary smile. Their costumes are strewn across the floor around the bed. On the table beside the bed, a lamp is shining down on a framed photograph: Craig and Amanda’s wedding photo.
CAP: LATER THAT NIGHT
CRAIG: CAN I BE THE HERO TOMORROW?
AMANDA: SURE, HUNNY, IF THE BABYSITTER IS STILL AVAILABLE.
BOTTOM CAP: END.
Or even
CRAIG: THAT BABYSITTER SURE IS GETTING EXPENSIVE.
AMANDA: TUNE DOWN THE PROPERTY DAMAGE NEXT TIME, HUNNY.
From an ordinary situation to a somewhat predictable one back to an ordinary yet unexpected one.
Final thought: NURP!
I’m here, folks! Promise.
I recently moved, and everything isn’t set up just as yet. Good thing I have an iPhone where I can still reply to posts!
Thanks, Yannick! Now I’m just waiting for Rich before I go into what I was going for.
Hey! Sorry, I’m moving this week as well, just been crazy with the packing and stuff.
Anyway, I think John did really well with this page. It starts with an establishing panel, moves closer on the couple to show their interaction, and ends with a setup that makes you want to turn the page to see the reveal.
As you point out in your commentary later on, the restaurant description does seem a little sparse… its the kind of thing where the artist could run with it and do a fine job, or could wind up looking completely wrong for the ambience you’re going for. The first big panel is a good place to set up the patrons, waiter, little details that can be highlighted as the scene progresses.
Overall, though, I think the structure was tight.
Thanks for the comments, Yannick! The idea of them being a role-playing married couple is a great twist I never thought of.
Just tossing this out there, but maybe make Amber’s big reveal that she has a shlong? Alter a bit at the start about them being setup and have them meet online. Then Make Girderman have a big tangent about his villainous deeds, his powers all that jazz, only to have Amber reply like this:
Panel Whatever. Wide shot. Girderman stand’s in a epic pose next to the dinner table. Amanda, unimpressed by Girderman, gently pats her lips with her napkin. While the onlooking patrons look on in awe.
AMANDA:
I’m called Amanda by night, Russel by day.
GIRDER MAN:
Huh?
Panel whatever. Mid shot of the table. Amanda up from her seat pulls on her jacket, focusing only on getting it on. Girderman is very confused.
AMANDA:
I get my undergarments from La Senza, and conceal my genitals with strategically placed strips of duct tape.
AMANDA:
My powers consist of peeing while standing, growing a beard and singing baritone.
Panel whatever. Mid shot of the table. Amanda walks away from the dinner table, not even giving Girderman the time of day. Girderman appears horrified, as does everyone else in the room.
AMANDA:
And up until now, I thought I was the biggest freak looking for a date on Craigslist.
AMANDA:
I happily stand corrected.
Admittedly, I think every story should feature a penis duct taped to a inner thigh. It was actually my only complaint about THE DARK KNIGHT.
I… I am now very, VERY frightened at Connor’s next trip through The Proving Grounds.