TPG Week 227: Not Too Bad At All!
Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Aaron Williamson. We have Samantha LeBas in purple, and I’m the jerk in red, and we’ll see what Aaron is up to in the
SALOON written by: Aaron Williamson
Chapter 1
The Player’s Hand
Page 1
Panel 1 – Establishing shot of the dessert town, Red Ridge. It is in the afternoon, the red sun is going down over the mountain range. Hank Henderson (Good name) is tying up his horse at the hitching post in front of the Red Ridge Saloon. The Saloon is a well established 2-story building in the central part of the town.
Caption: It is May 19, 1878.
Caption: The town of Red Ridge, Nevada. (This sounds very Twilight Zone, is it meant to?)
Panel 2 – From inside Red Ridge Saloon, it is a rustic establishment adorned with deer, elk, hog, and ram trophies. There is a giant antler crafted, lantern chandelier mounted to the rafters.(with candles, specify. You don’t want lightbulbs showing up in the Old West.) There are stairs leading up to the second-level catwalk with several doorways to bedrooms. We can see the bartender polishing a mug, a pianist at work, a waitress serving drinks, etc.(Might need to mention that they are in period appropriate attire, or include ref) We are focused on a party of three gamblers (Mullins, Marc Armstrong, and Dale Flagstaff) and the House Dealer (Miles Blankenship). They are seated at a circle table, playing an intense game of poker. Miles, the dealer, sits with his back against a window.(Where is each man positioned at the table. Someone will have their back to us, might want it to be the character that isn’t speaking in this panel.)
Mullins: Yer call(comma) limp dick!
Marc : Yeah, I see your three… and raise you five.
Panel 3 – Mullins throws in wadded up dollar bills to the pot. Mullins is sneering at Marc. Dale doesn’t hesitate to forfeit his cards face down in front of him. Hank Henderson can be seen in background entering Red Ridge Saloon.(Seems to me camera needs to rotate here, almost from dealer’s POV to allow us to see the men and the door in background.)
Dale: Too rich for my blood(comma) fellas. I fold!
Mullins: Call.
Panel 4 – Miles lays down the river card, the Queen of Spades. The 5 cards in front of the dealer – Queen/Spade, 4/Spade, 8/Heart, King/Club, Queen/Diamond
Miles: Very well.
Panel 5 – With a shit eating grin, Mullins lays down his Queen/Heart and 10/Diamond while attempting to rake in the winning pot with his other hand. Hank Henderson is standing at the bar, mug of beer in hand, looking back at the poker table with a smirk.
Mullins: Ha! Three queens! Don’t reckon’ it’s yer evenin’ fer poker, limp dick. Ha ha!
Hank: hmm…
Panel 6 – Close up shot of Marc as he is smiling and twisting the tip of his mustache with his index and thumb. (He MUST be the villain, only villains twirl mustaches.)
Marc: You sure ’bout that friend?
(Not a bad first page. There’s even a little suspense at the end for the page turn.)
And we now have P1 on the books!
This isn’t a bad start, to tell the truth. I would have liked a bit more happening, but I could see everything that’s going on.
Period pieces. They can be tough on the dedicated artist. They have to go out and do a lot of research on everything: clothing, architecture, furnishings, bric-a-brac… That’s for the dedicated artist. I don’t believe a lot of new artists are as dedicated. They’ll try to fake it instead of doing the work. And gathering reference material is a job in itself.
I remember the first story I ever had professionally illustrated. The artist, the late, great Dave Simons, asked me to get him reference on police uniforms, police belts, police firearms, as well as a real gun. He had done some sketches for one of my characters, and he pointed out the fact that one of them was holding a Really Fake Gun, just so he could get a feel for the characters. That story was set in modern day. I can imagine what reference an artist would want for setting in another timeframe.
Old west, entering a saloon (even though it’s the title of the story), and a card game… Very familiar tropes. Anyone reading a superficial study of the Old West would think that the only thing they did was drink and play cards. That’s not a slight against the genre or the timeframe. I’m just hoping there’s more here than just a game of cards.
I’m not bored. Not yet. I’m just hoping for something more.
INSERT PAGE BREAK (And there goes the Flawless Victory…)
Page 2
Panel 1 – Marc tosses his cards to the table, King/Heart and King/Spade. Mullins is disgusted and just realizes he has lost all his money. (The tossing I can see. The rest of it is a moving panel.)
Marc: Three kings… my pot (why does he trail off here?)
Mullins: The hell?
Panel 2 – Mullins standing up and pointing in fury at Marc. Marc remains calm and smiles as he rakes in the money. The Dealer, Miles, is getting very nervous over the soon to be altercation (The last sentence: what does that look like?).
Mullins: What the hell is this?! You in cahoots with the dealer you sum-bitch?! Huh? Answer me boy! (Yeah. Comma-fails abound here.)
Marc: Throttle down(*We need a word about words, Aaron, see bottom of page for full explanation.) friend, lest you lose more than your money tonight.
Panel 3 – Mullins continues his tyrant. (Aaron, words mean something. Here, you chose the wrong word. What does tyrant mean in this context?)
Mullins: You been cleanin’ house every night fer the past week and a half! Ain’t nobody that lucky! (See that, folks? Aaron slipped in a bit of exposition on us. And, he also said they’ve been playing cards for a week… Remember what I said about someone doing a superficial study?)
Miles: Sir, if you would please… (I hate the overuse of the ellipsis. Also, can this as-yet unnamed character be seen in this panel?)
Panel 4 – Mullins has turned his attention to the Miles, pointing at him. Hank Henderson, with beer mug in hand, is approaching Mullins from behind. (This could be a moving panel.)
Mullins : Shut yer cock holster! Ya hear me(comma) Miles? I’ll be dealin’ wit you next. (We get a name I haven’t heard in a while—since my days in the military—and we finally have someone named. Nice.)
(Idioms are tricky. ‘Throttle down’ means slow down. So the intent is perfect, also it sounds like someone with this dialect would say. However, it refers to the throttle in an internal combustion engine which was not used in automobiles until 1889. Marc would not be aware of this expression or its meaning. You have to look at every word when writing a period piece. Other than this expression, I think you have been doing a really fine job with this dialect.)
Two pages. There still isn’t a lot going on.
Dialects…
The Old West dialect can be considered to be easy, since it’s really nothing more than a southern dialect. (Basically, taking a southeast dialect and transplanting it to the southwest. They are very similar.)
I’ve been reading some collections recently, and I happened on reading Cerebus by Dave Sim. I honestly urge all of you reading this to go hunt down the first Cerebus collection. It’s a tome of more than 200 pages, and you should be able to get a decent copy for about $25, to include postage.
What you’ll find inside, besides the earth-pig born, are a hilarious cast of characters, and it’s all done with dialects and some knowledge of speech patterns. Elrod the Albino is patterned hilariously after Foghorn Leghorn, Lord Julius is patterned after Groucho Marx (writers! Watch some Marx Bros for comedy and absurdity while being totally on point), but you also have Germans and Italians. The last two are all done very well by using dialect. Go get it and study.
Ellipses. Their use can easily turn into overuse, which can be used as a crutch. I’m not much for crutches.
I’m getting bored, though. Let’s see what P3 does.
Page 3 (Page break)
Panel 1 – Hank Henderson smashes the unsuspecting Mullins over the head with a glass mug.
SFX – KRACK
Mullins : oofff
Panel 2 – Mullins falls limp in a seated position in his chair, knocked out. The men at the poker table are taken back in shock.
NO COPY
Panel 3 – Hank Henderson shoves Mullins out of the chair and to the ground with his boot. The patrons in the Saloon are attentively watching the confrontation.
SFX (Mullins hitting the ground) – THUD
Panel 4 – Hank Henderson, sitting at the chair, raises his hand to motion over the waitress. (Can she be seen in this panel?)
Hank: Whiskey.
Panel 5 – Helena Rivera, the Waitress,(Tell us she is Helena Rivera on panel 1 page 1.) is now at the poker table holding a serving tray in which a full bottle of whiskey and a single shot glass sit. The Gamblers and Dealer are staring at Hank. The rest of the Saloon patrons are still frozen, watching the commotion.
Hank: Leave the bottle(comma) Sweetheart. I reckon I’ll be here a little while.
Helena: Absolutely(comma) Sir, whatever you like.
Hank: Alright(comma) gentlemen… let’s play some poker, shall we.
(Action by page 3, good. Your pacing is working well so far.)
P3, and if anyone didn’t see that smash coming, you weren’t paying attention.
Anyway, I have two main gripes.
The first is that of all the characters shown, only one has been named so far.
The second is that things have been telegraphed so far. Some guy comes to town, goes to a saloon. Men in saloon playing cards. One guy gets pissed at another because he’s a loser. The pissed-off guy gets something of a comeuppance. It’s standard. And, while it means you can tell something of a story, there isn’t anything new or different being done. Even the dialogue is standard. Of course he’s going to ask for whiskey. Of course he’s going to pay for an entire bottle. We’d all have been disappointed if he didn’t, and would have been amused/surprised if he asked for milk. (Although, milk after beer would probably be pretty nasty. I wouldn’t know. I’m not a beer drinker.)
The pacing is fine. I’m just bored reading it.
Hopefully, something new happens on the next page.
INSERT PAGE BREAK
Page 4
Panel 1 – The cards have been dealt and the poker game continues. The rest of the Saloon patrons go about their business as if nothing happened.
Marc: I appreciate that friend, but I could’ve handled that lap dog by myself. Mullins, the ole’(apostrophe is not needed) drunkard, tends to act out like that on a weekly basis. The shit head(I believe ‘shithead’ is one word) just can’t hold his whiskey. (The panel description does not match the dialogue. I’ll talk about that at the end of the page.)
Hank: Every dog with a loose tongue needs a good scoldin’… from time to time.(You’re using a lot of ellipses. I know cowboys talk real slow an all, but maybe consider separating balloons instead? Still gives the feeling of a beat in time, and makes fer easier readin’ you hear?) (See? Stop leanin’ on yer crutch. And the dog-talk… Still waiting for something interesting to happen/be said.)
Marc : Ha ha! Ain’t that the truth. Name’s Marc Armstrong. I run the blacksmith and leatherworks here in Red Ridge. A decent profession, keeps gamblin’ money in my pocket.
Panel 2 – Hank is pouring himself a shot. Dale is throwing money into the pot. In the background, a couple of bar-backs are dragging a knocked out Mullins, out the front door.
Dale : I’ll be raising two.
Marc : Nice play Dale. So, you gotta name(comma) friend? (Another punctuation pattern I am noticing, you are leaving out the comma before a word used in place of a name, watch that. Even ‘limp dick’ gets a comma.)
Hank: I’ll see that two… Hank Henderson is my name. (Separate balloons would work much better here.)
Panel 3 – Shot from outside the Red Ridge Saloon. It is dusk now. Mullins is getting tossed off the steps into the dirt road, somewhat comically. The gamblers can be seen from the window. (What does this panel do to push the story forward?)
Marc (from inside Saloon) – And what brings a fella like yourself to Red Ridge, Mr. Henderson?
Hank – Now that’s a story all in itself(comma) Mr. Armstrong. And if you got the ear for it…
Panel 4 – Same shot as panel 3. Mullins is rustling himself up out of the dirt, holding his bloody head in confusion.
Hank : … I most certainly got the time to tell you about it.(might need that ‘from inside saloon note here, again.)
Mullins (whispering to himself) : …limp dick… sum-bitches!
(I think this is a good intro of ‘the mysterious stranger’ character. Rolls out well, we get some visual variety by moving the scene outside, interest from looking in the window, ties up neatly. Good job with that. I also like that he has framed the story we are about to hear. You change scenes on the next page, normally that should be done on after an odd numbered page. Maybe there are extenuating circumstances, let’s see.)
P4, and I’m still bored. It’s all rolling out the way it’s supposed to. No twists, no turns. It’s all very straightforward.
Anyway, the panel descriptions have to match the last thing said by the characters—or the last thing said in the dialogue has to match what’s going on in the panel description. It amounts to the same thing. If they don’t match, then the reader is thrown out of the story. Picture a panel of a grim-faced guy, sneering, but the only thing the dialogue says is Ha ha ha. It doesn’t match, and it needs to.
Panel 1 doesn’t tell us much of anything as to what the characters are doing. It could be considered a moving panel.
And now we’re about to get a story. Possibly a flashback.
Things are happening, but none of them are interesting.
Guess it’s time for a story.
When I was in the Marines, there was a sergeant who pissed my boss off. Actually, he pissed everyone off. He work in Avionics, which was a section I had to deal with every so often to make sure they were on schedule getting their work done. We had to keep the airplanes flying.
Anyway, this guy, Sgt Scott (the name has been changed to protect the assholes), had a number of character traits. He was deeply religious, and as such, was a conscientious objector. He didn’t curse. He didn’t often get pissed off. He followed the book to the letter. He didn’t smoke or use any tobacco products, he didn’t drink, he didn’t speed. He home-schooled his child because the regular school system indoctrinates instead of teaches. He didn’t eat processed flour or white sugar. He wore floppy hats on cloudy days because clouds don’t stop ultraviolet radiation. He wore earplugs while cutting grass because he didn’t want to damage his hearing with the lawnmower (and as such, had hearing like a child). In short, Sgt Scott was one of those people whom you’d love to punch in the face repeatedly, because you just knew there was going to come a time when he’d piss you off, and you wanted to get it out of the way first.
He was finishing his contract with the Marines, and came to my section to work for the last few months. My boss at the time, Gunnery Sgt Romalo (not his real name), said that he didn’t like him, and he didn’t want to take him, but had no choice. Sgt Scott’s own section no longer wanted him. Gunny Romalo said to me, Forbes, sometimes, people are put in your life to wear away the rough patches. Right now, I must have a LOT of them!
I was a corporal at the time. Sgt Scott, being the kind, scrupulously religious person that he was, got me a comic book as a gift. I was shocked! We weren’t close at all, and he hated my music. (I was listening to Cradle of Filth, and Sgt Scott said he could actually feel the evil spirits trying to invade him, so he prayed them away.) The gift of the comic was totally unexpected. He had gone out to lunch, and come back with the comic.
The comic itself was unremarkable. Angels were fighting demons for whatever reason, and this teenager was going to kill himself by jumping off the town’s water tower. He was stopped from committing suicide by his girlfriend, who told him that it wasn’t what God wanted him to do…
Yes, the scrupulously religious guy got me a Christian comic book.
It was terrible in its own right. I showed my (ex) wife, and she laughed, saying I had made a new friend. She made fun of me for about a week.
Sgt Scott? He finally got out, but not after pissing off Gunny Romalo one more time—and getting pissed off himself in the process.
Sgt Scott wanted to go on final leave, but only wanted to be on leave during the week. He didn’t want to be on leave during the weekend, because he felt that it was a waste of leave. While we generally didn’t work weekends, sometimes we did. Sometimes we had to. Just because we usually didn’t didn’t mean that we couldn’t or wouldn’t. It’s the military. We accomplish the mission.
Gunny Romalo said no, because he wasn’t going to be responsible for making multiple sets of leave papers, having Sgt Scott signing in and out. He told Sgt Scott that he was either going to be on leave, or he wasn’t. He then had a choice to make. Sgt Scott said he’d take it to the Aircraft Maintenance Officer (AMO), who was my boss’ boss, and Gunny said to go ahead. He already took it to the AMO, who also said no.
Sgt Scott could have taken it to the CO, because that was the only other place to take it. Well, that’s not true. He could have taken it to the Sergeant Major, but after the AMO said no, he’d have to go to the CO, because the AMO outranked the SgtMaj just by being an officer. So it was over.
And Sgt Scott was pissed! It was the only time I had ever really seen him lose his temper, and it was something to behold. It was also something I enjoyed. Despite the fact he got me a gift, he had pissed me off a number of times. Seeing him throw a bit of a tantrum because he didn’t get his way was funny to me. And Gunny Romalo enjoyed it, too.
Sgt Scott left, and things went back to normal at the job, for which I was very happy.
And that story, methinks, is more interesting than what’s going on in this script.
INSERT PAGE BREAK
Page 5
Panel 1 – Scene Change. (Large Panel) Hank tied up with rope in a crucifixion position to a large cactus in the sweltering dessert. Half his clothes ripped off, bare foot, bloody, and bruised. Three vultures are circling above as the heat beats down.
Hank Narration: It was no more than two months ago that I was offering my final prayer to the big man upstairs. Robbed, beaten, and left for dead by the(a? If this is the name of a gang capitalize it or emphasize it.) company of my men. Hell, who am I kiddin’(question mark, suggest separate balloons replace ellipses) … I knew the risks that were involved. (This, folks, is a voice-over caption, and as such, there should be named appropriately as an element, and there should be opening quotation marks, closing them only if he’s interrupted by a different VO caption, or he’s finished speaking in a VO.)
Hank Narration: I knew running with the Bengal Gang would catch up to me sooner or later. (If it was a company of his men…wouldn’t he be the leader of the Bengal Tigers… I mean, Bengal Gang?)
Panel 2 – Close up on Hank as he lowers his head in submission of his fate. (Moving panel.)
Hank Narration: Crucified to a cactus, I hung there for days.(connect sentences) Baking in the Arizona sun. (Not sure about the usage of the word ‘crucified’ here. I implies death by crucifixion, not the manner in which a person is bound to an object. Also, the imagery will tell your audience that this is like being crucified, I am not sure you need to. (Technically, you can only be crucified on a cross. Tied would be much more accurate.)
Hank Narration: This is how the Bengal Gang punishes a man wanting to leave them and make his own path.
(Might add a transition panel to smooth this out. Something in the saloon? I’m not sure. I do like the imagery here. I don’t think I have seen it before and that’s impressive given your subject matter. Doing something new in a Western is commendable. Also, I think this might need to be a Saguaro cactus, specifically. Seems likely to be the only one that could really support a man’s weight.)
P5, and I was right about the flashback.
I’m still bored. There’s only two panels here, and there is a LOT that has been left to be said. You have a lot of space that can be used. Why not use it?
It’s okay. It’s too late. The reader has put this back on the shelf because you didn’t engage them with the story. Now, we’re just waiting for Sam to stop.
This is not crap by any means. It just isn’t engaging.
Also, if these were his men, then wouldn’t he know what was in store for him if he tried to leave? Notice how I didn’t ask the obvious questions, such as why he was with them in the first place, for how long, and why he decided to leave.
Page 6
Panel 1 – In the foreground -Sun beating down on Hank and his cactus. In the far background a silhouette of a horse rider is approaching.(Is he facing camera here?)
NO COPY
Panel 2 – Same panel as above, the horse rider is now closer to Hank.
NO COPY
Panel 3 – The rider, Whip Wells, riding up to Hank.(I think you need more information here. How close is he to the cactus? What is Whip’s expression like. Is Hank visible head-to-toe, if not, what is in frame?)
Hank Narration: At first I thought I was hallucinating,… sometimes the burning Sun can play its tricks. But the good Lord be praised, it was no hallucination. It was an answer to my prayer. (No. You cannot mix a comma with an ellipsis. You can’t mix a comma with any punctuation at all. I think I just died inside a little. And writers! In the name of ferrets and Jergens lotion, learn how to use the ellipsis! If you’re going to use it, learn how to use it correctly.)
Panel 4 – Whip Wells dismounting from his horse. A look of intense concern across his face as he looks at Hank.
Whip : Sir?! Hello(comma) Sir, are you alive?
Panel 5 – Whip holds Hank’s mouth open as he refreshes his thirst with a water pouch.(huh, okay I was thinking Hank’s feet would need to be off the ground a good ways to make this restraint effective. I don’t know how this fellow could reach his mouth to give him water if that’s the case. May need to clear that up in an earlier panel.)
Hank : ggrrlll
Whip : That’s it… that’s it…
Panel 6 – Whip cutting the ropes, releasing Hank from the crucifixion. As Hank is peeling off the cactus, the thorns remain stuck to his bloody back. (Again, I think you need a little more. How are the men interacting? ‘I got you’ implies that Whip is supporting Hank in some way? Which of the ropes has he cut? Describe their expressions.) (Cutting the ropes with what? The magically delicious yet not even mentioned knife in his hand?)
Hank : ugghh
Whip : Alright(comma) Sir, I got ya. Easy does it now.
Panel 7 – Hank rides passed out and stomach down on Whip’s horse. The cactus thorns still protrude from his back. Whip has the reigns and is walking in front, leading them away.(I think this is a really strong visual. Still midday here?)
Whip : It’s gonna be okay(comma) Sir. We’re gonna get you some shade and some food. Just hold on for me.
(I really like this page. I don’t know what your intent is with the larger series, but this would be a hell of an opener. If you are starting each issue in the saloon, I get it, but this is by far the strongest most original thing you’ve given us so far. This is so interesting.)
I don’t know about so interesting, but I’ll tell you that Sam is right in saying this is a stronger opening than the saloon. Better visuals, much more interesting, and you get to draw the reader in. I’d even leave the guy on the cactus for a while, intercutting the story around him trussed there, making it a mystery as to how he got down.
This would keep the reader interested, keeping the book in their hands instead of putting it back on the shelf.
INSERT PAGE BREAK
Page 7
Panel 1 – Night time, tucked away in an area surrounded by cliffs, shrubs, and small bushes. Whip sits in front of a small campfire rolling a cigarette. Hank is laying on his side, asleep.
Hank Narration – Whip Wells was his name,(delete comma)… the man that saved me. He said I was out of it for days. He kept me fed and watered, he even loaned me spare clothing and a pair of cheap boots. When I came to, I asked him why he would waste his time and his supplies on a stranger such as myself.
Panel 2 – Whip, deep in thought, looking over at the sleeping Hank as the camp fire glimmers across his eyes. The rolled cigarette dangles from his lips.
Hank Narration – Years ago, Whip regulated with the Bengal Gang and eventually tried to cut ties with ’em. They strung him up to die(comma) just as they did me. He’s been huntin’ them down ever since.
Hank Narration – That very night we made a pact. An understanding.(They did not make an understanding. They either ‘came to’ an understanding, or ‘had’ one. Need to add something to the beginning of that sentence.)
Panel 3 – Shot pulled back, looking at the night time campsite.
Hank Narration – We were gonna send every(space) one of those sons of bitches to hell, or die trying.
INSERT PAGE BREAK
(I’m stopping here. I do really like what you have given us so far. However, in light of this part of the story, the Cactus at Calvary, let’s call it, the beginning feels more like padding. This is your story, this is what will sell your work. As I said earlier, I am not sure how the framing at the saloon serves your series as a whole, but if it’s not integral, you should consider this as a lead. Might even do this first and come back to the saloon.)
Sam has great instincts. You should listen to her.
Anyway, let’s run this down.
Format: This could have been a Flawless Victory very easily. Just needed to put in the page breaks. Other than that, the format was fine.
Just make sure you have the elements correct. It isn’t narration , they’re captions. Captions serve different uses. Basically, they are internal monologue, omniscient narrator, and voice-over. Learn to use them correctly, and you’ll be that much more ahead of the pack.
Panel Descriptions: These could be a little bit better. The moving panels are easy to fix, but you have to make sure you’re telling a complete story with them. What’s being seen, who’s where, and what people are doing. That’s your job. These aren’t bad, but they could be a little better.
Pacing: Your pacing is off. The opening is slow, and you don’t use the dialogue to draw the reader in effectively. We’re bored by P3, and putting the book back on the shelf by P5. You don’t start to get interesting until P6, but even then, you don’t use the dialogue effectively to tell the story.
Pacing is about what happens and the rate in which it occurs. If you started out with P5 and don’t give the whole story away, you can build up some interest. Let the backstory inform your conflict, and let that conflict drive the story. Be interesting first. Use more dialogue to help drive the pace and keep reader interest.
Dialogue: Meh. Not terrible, but it could have been better. There should have been more things to say. You just didn’t say them, instead opting for dialect to try to make what’s being said interesting. Dialogue is dialogue, and dialect is only there for some added spice or flavor. Dialogue has to be interesting all by itself. Don’t rely on dialect to try to make it interesting for you. That isn’t its job. While you can eat pepper, pepper isn’t a meal.
Content: As a reader, this isn’t interesting to me as a straight revenge story. There are lots of them out there. We’re only seven pages in, but it doesn’t begin to answer who the good guys are versus the bad guys. And for some guy to just sit down and start spilling his guts with his life story…sure it can happen because there are some people like that, but it doesn’t make for an interesting story. It’s very blunt. It’s a straight punch you can see coming from a mile away.
Editorially, I’d suggest a rewrite. Change the structure up some in order to ramp up reader interest. Start with the guy being trussed to the cactus, and then go from there. Come at the tale from the oblique, not straight on. You’ll keep reader interest that way.
And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!
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Category: Columns, The Proving Grounds
