TPG Week 47: Punctuation Is Key For Clarity

Hello, and welcome back to The Proving Grounds! This week brings us a new Brave One in the form of Christian Hinrichsen. Let’s see what he brings us!

AD-7: Pre-OPS Issue #0

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE

Location: USS COMFORT, Arabian Sea, 75 miles from Karachi Coast (Okay. Right off the bat, we’re having some problems. I don’t care that this is starting on P4. That’s just telling me this is an excerpt. What I care about is that this heading of Location doesn’t really tell me anything. It’s screen writing, not comic scripting. Is this supposed to appear on the page, Christian? If som then it needs to show that this is a caption. Otherwise, how is the reader supposed to know where they are? If this isn’t supposed to be a caption, why am I caring about the information here? Make up your mind as to what this is supposed to be.)

A lone hospital ship class vessel drifts along Arabian Sea. Several frigates patrol its perimeters. Above the frigates a Sikorsky Sea-Hawk Helicopter begins its descent on a helicopter platform on the hospital ship. (Where is the camera supposed to be? If it is suppsed to be head-on, then you’re going to lose the other ships. If it is supposed to be top-down, then you’re going to have to pull back in order to show everything you want, which means you’re going to lose some detail. Make up your mind as to what you want to be seen in-panel. And is this supposed to be an establishing shot? There’s at least one crucial W that’s missing. Anyone. It’s easy and up for grabs. No, not Connor or Yannick. Give someone else a chance.)

SFX:WHUP-WHUP-WHUP

PANEL TWO

The helicopter begins its landing as flight crew members on the helicopter platform direct its incoming landing on the hospital ship. Three shadows overlook landing above deck. Two are male and one female. (You’re thinking cinematically. I have no problem with that, except that you’re wasting space. Two panels for this? Really? No. One panel showing the helicopter coming in, and then the next panel showing it on the ground. Cut a panel, save yourself some headache and learn some pacing. That’s first. Second, where is the camera? Because those shadows you mention? I have NO idea where they’re supposed to be. That’s because you didn’t do a good job in describing the ship and the location of things. These shadows could be anywhere.)

SFX: WHUP-WHUP-WHUP

P.A.VOICE

LANDING TEAMS. CLEAR HELICOPTER PLATFORM DELTA.

P.A. VOICE

AREA IS GREEN. REPEAT AREA IS GREEN. (This entire panel is a waste of space. If the only thing happening is the landing, then this can be cut. Yes, I just said that. However, you also have dialogue here that isn’t doing anything, either. You could cut this entire panel, going directly to the second, and not lose anyone at all. That means this is padding, and there are few sins that are greater than padding.)

PANEL THREE

Standing overlooking the helicopter landing is two Caucasian Males and a Caucasian Female. The one male (Father Monroe) appears to be in his late fifties he has gray brown hair and has blue eyes behind his eyeglasses. He wears a typical navy Chaplain’s casual dress and jeans. On his right stands a younger male (Mack McCauley) who has a marine black cropped haircut and charcoal blue eyes. He wears a navy blue polo shirt and wears khaki cargo BDU pants. (Nobody cares. Character descriptions do not belong in the script. Don’t de-scribe main characters. I want you to de-script them. Put it in a separate document for the artist.)

Two their left stands a Caucasian female about the same age as the younger man who is sleek and slender (Dr. Samantha Fox) (I think you want my head to explode. The old me is dying right now. The newish me is keeping his cool. Okay. I can understand the misuse of to and too. Kinda. Generally, I’ll chalk that up to a typo. Sometimes you just forget to strike that second o. However, I cannot wrap my head around two . That just isn’t good. Generally, I don’t harp on typos in panel descriptions anymore, because if I did, these things would be longer than they already are. However, when a typo could be unclear, then I have to say something. Using two here is not only blatantly wrong, it could lead to things being unclear. If you have an artist who doesn’t speak English well, then you could have a problem on your hands. Okay, back to our character de-scripting.). She has strawberry auburn blond hair in a ponytail and wears a navy blue baseball cap. Her emerald green eyes sparkle at the sight of the arriving helicopter. She wears desert brown tee-shirt and khaki brown cargo BDU shorts. Her slender figure appears to have distinct features of a swimming champion. (Nowhere in any of this is a single description of what is important: their facial expressions and postures/stances/arm movements.)

MACK

So ‘Reverend, who is this Admiral arriving on the Sea-hawk Helicopter? (You know how your mother tells you that if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all? That doesn’t apply to editing. Why is there an apostrophe before reverend ? It has no business being there at all. It doesn’t serve any purpose, because it isn’t part of a contraction, nor is there a second one at the end of the word to close it off, which would mean that the speaker knows the person isn’t who they say they are. Then, there’s the Captain Obvious moment. While everyone may not know what type of helicopter it is, everyone knows that it is a helicopter, so why is this guy saying that it’s a helicopter when both of his companions know what it is? Then, it’s leading to exposition that is simply for the sake of the audience. I find it extremely hard to believe that this guy doesn’t know who’s coming, especially if he’s waiting with the others. This is a conversation that would have been held way before the helicopter arrived. This is nothing more than bad dialogue, all the way around.)

FATHER MONROE

Its my old friend Rear Admiral Reginald Amberst, he is retired MI-6 and now works as a specialty consultant with the Comacchio Group out of Scotland. (Okay, so we’ve just been Butler and Maided, and badly at that. But, since they’re both guys, one of which may be in the military and one of which is a priest, who’s wearing the skirt? It may be the priest, if he were wearing a cassock. But, anyway, how about some correct punctuation? You want a period in place of the comma. You want a hard stop, not a soft pause.)

MACK

The Comacchio Group isn’t that the equivalent with Dev-group in the UK? (Rant-time. And I’m not even off the first page. But it’s been a while, so I’m due. Over the years, I’ve come to a theory about writers. There are writers, those who use the written word in order to tell stories or sway opinion or whatever, and then there are storytellers, who use words in order to tell a story. The difference is that a writer will do their best to make sure that the words flow correctly, and that the rules of spelling, grammar, and punctuation are followed. Storytellers don’t know the rules, and aren’t all that concerned about them. They just want to tell the story. The problem is that when you’re writing a story, you cannot just be concerned with the story, because you’re using written words to convey your idea. This means someone has to read them, and if you don’t know or don’t care about the rules, then your readers aren’t going to see anything besides your mistakes. As comic writers, we can afford some mistakes in the panel descriptions, but not in dialogue. It will do nothing besides throw your readers right out of the story. Rant over. You’re missing some punctuation in your exposition. I’d go with a period to follow the badly named Group. I’m seeing this as a badly written 80s movie, with a youngish Michael Madsen.)

SAMANTHA

Your military history is wise Lt. Commander. (Comma-fail.)

PANEL FOUR

Mack looks at Samantha with his charcoal blue eyes. Father Monroe looks at the young couple. (I don’t care that his eyes are charcoal blue. What does his facial expression say? That’s what’s important. What does any of their facial expressions say?)

MACK

You, need to be well rehearsed with military history tactics in my field, Dr. Fox. (Why is there a comma right after the first word? That is a different type of comma-fail)

SAMANTHA

So I, have been told Lt. Commander. (This? This is a double comma-fail.)

PAGE FIVE (Page break.)

PANEL ONE

Mack, Sam and Father Monroe walk down the deck stairs to approach the helicopter.

Three shadows step off the helicopter and approach the metal stair case. (That crucial W would play a very significant role right here. Second, you’re going to have to pull out to show both of these things happening. If the camera is not placed well, this is a difficult shot. Third, and in reality, this panel needs to be cut. It isn’t doing anything to establish character or reveal plot.)

P. A. VOICE

AREA SECURE, HELICOPTER SIERRA ONE. PLEASE AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

P.A. VOICE

OVER. (I went over this in Yannick’s recent script, but I knew there was a reason for it. This, there is no reason for. Why is this character saying over? This is when you’re on the radio. This is a Public Announcement, hence the PA part of PA. He’s not using a radio. This is just nonsensical and bad.)

PANEL TWO

Three shadows continue their approach two appear to be male the third appears to be female.

Father Monroe walks over and greets the male shadow in the center. (How is it that one character is in shadow and another fully revealed, on a ship deck? I would REALLY love for someone to explain that to me. And how does he greet them? Handshake? Man-hug? )

FATHER MONROE

Welcome Aboard the USS COMFORT, Admiral. We have been expecting you.

ADMIRAL AMBERST

I just bet old friend. (Comma-fail.)

PANEL THREE

Father Monroe shakes hands with a Caucasian man with a bald head and a salty red-gray sailor beard. The Admiral’s green eyes widen at the shaking of hands with Father Monroe. The Admiral wears a British Naval Officer BDU and has an ivory corncob pipe in his right pocket. Standing on the right side of the Admiral is a Eurasian Man with a dark eye-patch over his left eye (Sapper). He has a gray-black marine cropped haircut and appears to be a few years older than Mack and Samantha. He wears a finely pressed black-plum suit and (Everything in blue? Unnecessary.) carries a silver briefcase with him. (The briefcase is magically delicious. It just popped up out of nowhere. I’m betting the artist wished this information were a panel or two earlier.)

Standing to the Admiral’s left side is an Israeli female (Maria Moyer) with flowing raven black hair. She wears a dark business suit and her caramel brown eyes sparkle at the sight of

Mack McCauley (This? The unhighlighted part? That is impossible. That cannot be drawn.). She carries a black plum laptop computer briefcase on her one side as well.

ADMIRAL

Its good to see you again my Irish friend and allow me to introduce my intelligence officers. (Whoa! See how he dropped in the fact that the padre is Irish? It almost seemed organic, didn’t it? Too bad it has a comma-fail as well as bad dialogue to go with it. Intelligence officers? Why not just call them associates, and keep it moving.)

FATHER MONROE

Please.

PANEL FOUR

The Admiral directs his hands to his two companions. Mack and Samantha stand on the one side of Father Monroe. (What is everyone doing? Just standing around?)

ADMIRAL

This young lad is Major Alec Sapper Delavoux of French Secret Service and this lovely lass is Agent Maria Opal Moyer of Israeli MOSSAD. (Wow. Okay. In just saying that out loud, I can hear the quotation marks. That isn’t good. Why use code-names like this in introductions? It makes no sense. At least SAY it is their code name. This is Major Alec Delavoux of French Secret Service [you need to do more research, because it has a name], code-named Sapper. See how that works? See how much better that reads? And if they were really secret, then he would have just given the code-names and left it at that. Especially with strangers around.)

FATHER MONROE

Welcome, and may I, introduce Lt. Commander Mack McCauley and Dr. Samantha Trauma Fox. (More audible quotation marks. And really, the setup is wrong. You just introduced four people for the first time. At least two of them should have had their own small panel, with dialogue of who they were coming from off-panel. That would have been a much more effective use of space.) You’ve got four panels on here. Well, three, not including the first panel of padding. You have more than enough space to showcase the newcomers correctly.)

PAGE SIX (Page break.)

PANEL ONE

The Admiral directs his companions up the staircase as the helicopter lifts off behind him. (This is padding.)

ADMIRAL

Pleasure to meet you Lt. Commander, and how is your family Dr. Fox? (Comma-fail.)

SAMANTHA

Father is well and Mum asks about you once in a while Admiral. (Comma-fail.)

ADMIRAL

I, am sure she does, shall we get going my friends. (Comma-fail, the remix. Writers, you MUST learn simple punctuation usage. It isn’t difficult. If you handed this to an editor in the effort of looking for a job, they wouldn’t laugh in your face because that would be impolite, but the very first comma-fail, and the script goes in the garbage. All over something YOU can control.)

SFX: WHUP-WHUP-WHUP

PANEL TWO

Mack takes the lead up the stairs followed by Admiral Amberst who is joined by Father Monroe. Samantha, Sapper and Maria take up the rear. (Padding.)

MACK

I reserved a briefing room for us Admiral, if you please follow me. (I’m not going to call this comma-fail. I’m going to say that this is poorly worded as you try to get your point across.)

ADMIRAL

Excellent Lad. (Comma-fail. And I thought only the priest was Irish. This gives me the impression that the admiral is, also.)

PANEL THREE

Location: Romania Port City of Constanta (It doesn’t matter that you label this here. It doesn’t matter. It could be inside the moon. It means nothing if the readers cannot infer where this is taking place.)

A stormy evening as several figures stand in stormy weather for this time of year. Several

cobalt blue vans park on the gang side of a large freighter. Standing about the dock are several guards dressed in tee shirts and jeans. Each is armed with Soviet assault rifles. (This is the diametric opposite of good. If this is supposed to be a panel description, then describe what’s going on, left to right, with the most important things going first. How is the artist supposed to know that this is taking place on a dock? It’s the third sentence in, and mentioned only in passing at that. If it’s a stormy evening, why are several people standing in it in nothing but t-shirts and jeans? What’s protecting them from the wind and rain? How many does several make up, for both the vans and the people? So, not only is it badly worded, it is also too vague to be of any real use, and nonsensical.)

SFX: KABOOM

(Wait. Not even an elsewhere ? No dialogue? Nothing at all to tie this to the scene that I’m guessing has just finished? What is this panel doing here? At least you gave a timeframe. That’s something.)

PANEL FOUR

In a dark alleyway several werewolf shadows stand before a Somalian Man with reptilian human skin. The Somalian man (Cutler) wears a dark trench-coat and displays a tactical vest under his trench-coat as a machete swings on the vest. A Slavic female stands next to the man wearing a similar trench-coat and she wears a red Cossack dress uniform under her coat. She has black-brown hair and wears a Russian fur hat over her head. Her dark eyes

stare at the shadows. The lights highlight half her right side being burnt but attractive in nature from an explosion of some sort. (Another one? Another disconnected panel? Okay, let’s start with the werewolf shadows. How is a reader supposed to know this is a werewolf shadow? And is it a shadow this time, or is it a werwolf in shadow, like the admiral was a couple of pages ago? Ah, you didn’t think about that, did you? Next, how is a reader supposed to tell that the guy you’re describing is Somalian? If he’s a recurring, important character, then his description needs to be de-scripted because it doesn’t belong. The woman may not need to be described, also. And again, instead of describing the action in the panel, you’re only describing the people. Everyone’s just standing around. I could have them performing any action I choose, because you failed to describe what they were doing. Next time, I will.)

LEAD WEREWOLF SHADOW

< The cargo you carry Captain Cutler and Lt. Saver will be the weapons our friends in Luxor are awaiting for.> Belo-Russian (My head just ‘sploded. Yannick. Please tell everyone why. Thank you.)

CUTLER

< I understand Sgt. Wolfe but where is our employer. He was suppose to be here with us. (Okay, let’s take it from the top. First, comma-fail. Second, why is there a period when Cutler is obviously asking a question? Third, where is the closing bracket? Fourth, and brain-stabbingly largest, why is this guy saying suppose ? The word you used is correct, but the tense isn’t. And this, boys and girls, is the cleaned-up version of my notes.)

WOLFE

< Unfortunately Master Drake had prior engagements Captain.> (Comma-fail.)

PAGE SEVEN (Page break.)

PANEL ONE

Cutler looks at the Wolfe examining closer the mysterious werewolf commando in Cobalt Blue BDUS. The Slavic female known as Lt. Saver scrutinizes the werewolf. (Okay, first, NO ONE CARES about the color of the cammies. That’s the first thing that I was able to understand about this panel description. Someone is wearing cammies, and they’re blue, and I don’t care. But that’s the only thing I understood. That first sentence? It took me four tries to understand what you were getting at. Know why? The lack of punctuation is first, and second, because you were extremely original in naming the werewolf Wolfe. So, it looks like Wolf is examining another werewolf, who’s wearing cammies whose color escapes me. Instead, it is Cutler who’s examining Wolfe, and Wolfe is wearing cammies whose color only you care about. Is there another werewolf in the shot? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t even know where the camera is, so I don’t know who the woman is looking at. To say that this is unclear is to say that I’m long-winded: obvious.)

CUTLER

< This Drake is quite a mystery and prior engagements always show up.> (This dialogue is not good at all. Besides the comma-fail, it sounds like one of those direct-to-dvd movies. I have a LOT of movies like that, so I know what I’m talking about.)

CUTLER

< In addition I expect my payment in full and we will leave in the hour.> (Comma-fail. I sound like a broken record.)

SAVER

< Are we eventually going to me this mysterious Drake character Sergeant?> (Comma-fail.)

PANEL TWO

Wolfe eyes the Slavic female and her tone in her voice. (He can eye a tone in someone’s voice? That’s a super-power right there. Forget turning into a wolf. What does his facial expression say? What is he doing?)

WOLFE

< The Master will appear when it is proper Lieutenant.> (Comma-fail.)

SAVER

< Very well but I do not trust him at this time.> (Comma-fail. And I’m waiting for this conversation to actually lead somewhere.)

WOLFE

< You were hired as mercenaries and not as a shrink, Lieutenant.> (See what this tells me, Christian? This tells me you know how to place commas. That in turn tells me you’re lazy. That is something a writer cannot be. Especially if you’re handing something in for scrutiny. You could have no respect for me, for the process of creating comics, or for anything else. However, at least respect yourself enough to make the best impression you can. If you’re going to be a writer, being lazy is not an option. Now, what does her being a shrink or not have to do with anything she just said?)

PANEL THREE

Cutler intervenes between his two colleagues. (How? This is screenwriting, not comic scripting. How does he intervene?)

CUTLER

< Cassie return to the ship and prepare final preparations.> (Comma-fail. Or should I say lazybones?)

SAVER

< As you wish Captain.> (Comma-bones? Lazy-fail? And is she even in this panel? You don’t say. All you say is that he intervenes. You don’t say how, and you don’t say if there’s anyone else in the panel. If she’s there, say so, and give an expression. If she isn’t, then her dialogue should be coming from off-panel.)

PANEL FOUR

Saver storms away from the two men as the storm continues to fall on them. (No. Connor, why am I saying this?)

PAGE EIGHT (Page break.)

PANEL ONE

Cutler looks at Wolfe as several guards dressed in Cossack uniforms step in the direction freighter. (I have little idea of what this means, and less idea of how this can be drawn. The object of the script, Christian, is to make sure that the artist has enough information to draw what’s being stated in the panel descriptions. When that is unclear—like this one is—then they’re stuck having to ask you questions that the script should have answered already.)

CUTLER

< I must apologize for the Lieutenant, Sgt. Wolfe she tends to have the Slavic suspicious attitude in her blood.> (Punctuation. No one likes a run-on sentence. Second, you really have a thing about naming someone’s race/nationality. Is it important? Does it enhance the story any? I’m going to say no.)

WOLFE

< She should curb her voice about Master Drake.> (Hm. This is an awkward place to stop the dialogue in this panel. No dramatic tension. Actually, he sounds petulant. Maybe HE should be wearing the cossack, eh?)

PANEL TWO

Cutler acknowledges Wolfe looking over his shoulder. (It’s like you’re not even trying anymore. I can’t even parse this. I have no idea as to what this means. Know what that means? It cannot be drawn.)

CUTLER

< I will talk to her about that Sergeant. Are your men and you joining this journey Sergeant?> (Besides comma-fail, mum would be the word, but I can’t. This is not good. Someone. Anyone. Please.)

WOLFE

< The master wants me to monitor the security arrangements with you. So in short I will be traveling with your brigand.> (Comma-fail. And I’m hoping the use of brigand in the singular is a typo. I’m thinking it isn’t, though, and that isn’t good. )

PANEL THREE

Cutler shakes hands with Wolfe before departing.

CUTLER

< I look forward to you joining me at the Captain’s table than Sergeant.> (Lord and Lady! Okay. Alright. I’ve cleaned this up a lot. Here is a really simple way to use then and than. You use than when you want to compare something, and you use then when you’re talking about time. How do you keep it straight? Well, there’s an a in compare, so use than , which also has an a. There is an e in time, so use then , which has an e . Simple, down and dirty. And comma-fail.)

WOLFE

< Agreed. Captain.> (A period instead of a comma? Yeah, that’s comma-fail, too.)

PANEL FOUR

The two men depart in their separate directions. (This is screen writing. What’s being drawn here? Where’s the camera? Why is this panel even necessary? It isn’t. It’s padding.)

And that is where I’m going to stop. There’s a few pages more, but I don’t have the fortitude.

Let’s run it down.

Format: Almost perfect! The only thing missing are page breaks. Formatting should be nearly flawless, though, because it is simple. The only question I have about it are the Locations that you threw in.

Panel Descriptions: Terrible.

First, you’re describing characters in the script, when they should be in a separate document. Next your panel descriptions go from vague to unclear to undrawable. Not good at all. Not when the reason for panel descriptions in the first place is so that your artist knows what to draw. Next, instead of describing actions in some panels, you’re too busy describing what the characters look like, which leaves them standing around doing nothing. Your panel descriptions need a lot of work.

Pacing: Terrible.

You start the excerpt at P4, and between P4 and P9, nothing happens. Nothing at all. You have characters appearing and talking, but nothing they say is interesting. That means it will be going back on the shelf, if readers could get to it at all. Then, with no warning whatsoever, you switch locations not once, but twice! Or at least that is how it seems. And even in that scene, nothing of interest happens, and nothing of interest is said.

You also have padding in there. Padding is never your friend. You have entire panels within scenes that could be cut without disrupting what was happening. Not good.

Dialogue: Terrible.

At least once, you made my head ‘splode with dialogue. Not only was there nothing of importance said, but the conversations were just simply inane. And the exposition was handled exceedingly badly. Information should flow organically, so that readers are given information without seeming like you’re trying to force feed it to them. Instead, it was ham-fisted, awkward, and not the least bit enjoyable. And dialogue is what actually gets read.

Content: Uninspired. As a reader, if this were to come to market the way it is, I’d be extremely hard-pressed to find anything at all that was nice about the book. Maybe the art, but that would be it. I’ve done two full scenes, and I have no idea what the story is about. Not only that, but I’m also not inclined to want to find out. That is your fault, as the writer. Two scenes, and nothing of interest happens? You’re doing a disservice to your readership.

Editorially, this is crap. That’s the nicest thing I can say about this. I have more in notes than you have in script, which is never a good thing. From what I see here, the story needs to be gutted, and then rebuilt from the ground up, with an editor holding your hand through the process. I’ve done this before with writers who wanted to tell a story I felt was sub-par. We burned the draft, and came up with something that had more thought put into it, and that readers would be able to find interesting. That is what needs to happen here.

As a writer, words are your tools, and language is your playground. However, just like any playground, there are rules, some of which can be broken. You can only break them, though, after you’ve learned them, and after you know the reason why you’re breaking them. Some, though, are inviolate. Punctuation is one of those rules. It can be bent, but never broken. Why? Punctuation gives you clarity of expression. You need it to help communicate your ideas. Without it, it is extremely easy to become lost.

If this were sent to me cold, with you looking for a job, I’d have thrown it away. No, you wouldn’t have gotten a response, either. Why? Because I’m far too busy shepherding other writers whom I don’t have to teach basic English to. Punctuation is basic English. You don’t get out of fourth grade without knowing how to use a comma, period, and a question mark. As a writer, this is something you should be mastering, because this is your chosen profession. If you’re going to send me a script riddled with simple punctuation errors, what about spelling and grammar? Why would I, as an editor, spend the time teaching you basic English (and not getting paid for it) when I could simply pick the next person in the pile who knows how to use the language but needs help in structuring their story better?

And when you send things like this in cold, this is what you’re doing, folks. You’re advertising that the editor would need to spend an inordinate amount of time working with you in order to make sure that your script is both drawable and salable. They are seeing their schedules shot to hell, because you don’t know the basic rules of English. This means you’re unattractive to them. You know that chick in the bar? The one that won’t look good, even with beer goggles? Yeah. That’s you, if you send something like this in cold. Don’t blame me. I’m just telling the truth.

And that’s almost it. Looking at the calendar, I’m still pretty low on scripts. Basically, two more weeks. This column lives and dies by your participation, folks. Let’s see some more scripts come in. Let’s make it to the new year!

That’s all I have. See you next week. Check the calendar to see who’s next.

Related Posts:

• TPG Week 69: Bring Your Readers With You For The Ride
• TPG Week 50: Making Sure Things Make Sense
• TPG Week 48: Dialogue Should Teach Something
• TPG Week 32: New Writer Woes
• TPG Week 26: Drawing Readers In

Tags: camera angle, Critique, dialogue, establishing shot, format, pacing, panel description, panel descriptions, punctuation, Story, werewolf, Writing

Category: The Proving Grounds